On the Bridechilla Podcast, I've talked a BUNCH about Bridesmaids, their role, how to communicate with them and make sure that your friendship flourishes not flounders during your wedding planning. (I've even confessed my previous experience as a moderately awful bridesmaid).
Your bridesmaids are your A-Team. The Ms T's to the grey head bloke with the cigar… they’re your close friends who know that they can be honest and open with you but also know when to pop a cork in it to prevent hurt feelings, tantrums and being socially outcast. So here’s a list of the top ten white lies that bridesmaids may tell...because they are nice.
1. I really, really love the bridesmaid dress you chose. Off the shoulder, corset ruffles…I will definitely wear it again. Definitely.
If I say ‘really’ and ‘definitely’ a LOT then maybe it will sound convincing that post wedding the dress will not be permanently residing in the far reaches of my closet next to my $79 GOOP yoga mat and trainers that were guaranteed to make my bum look like Kim K’s and will require double spanks to not make me look like I’ve just given birth. Please consider following the non-matchy matchy- pick a dress that we can perhaps wear again trend, or at least something that won't be used in a 'most humiliating clothing experiences of my life montage.
2. Sure, attending a weekend workshop/dance class to learn choreography for your elaborate bridesmaids/groomsman opening aisle walk sounds fun!
Lady Gaga may have told us to just dance but she isn’t doing the running man in stilettos with a groomsman sidekick, who suffers from an underdeveloped sense of rhythm.
Did I mention that I was wearing double spanks?! Please....please stop this.
3. I love talking about your wedding!
I actually really do but before we talk about the traitors who haven’t returned their RSVPs in the allotted time, please, I beg of you.... allow me to unload about annoying Meg from work who although appears meek, is, in fact, a tyrannical, psychopathic overlord who is running my life.
I respect my bridesmaids responsibilities and all that comes with the role but I also need you as a friend as well as a bride-to-be, you get me and I have things going on in my life too…mainly plotting to dethrone Meg.
I think I actually hate her.
5. I will hold your dress up while you pee.
SRSY is that actually a thing? I thought it was just in the movies?
Just hitch it up.
Or hold on.
Surely, the dress isn't so big that it prevents you visiting the bathroom solo?
I’m going to ban liquids on the morning of your wedding or we can go shopping and find a dress that allows you to perform normal bodily functions without an escort.
6. Of course, I won’t sleep with the single and stunningly handsome groomsman
Two years ago would have totally jumped him. You’re getting hitched. It’s your day but it could be my night. Plus, he may turn out to be my future husband!
Think of how awesome it could be for us if it all works out OR imagine the fun we'll have coordinating avoidance tactics at social functions for the next 53 years.
7. 6 am pre-wedding bridal party barre fitness classes! Yes, please!
PLEASE No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the most hungover, sleep deprived, dedicated bridesmaid of them all? ME. No one should be putting their legs in these positions at this time of morning….ever but I will because you are my mate, who wants rock hard wedding buttocks.
8. You don’t want me to cut my hair for 11 months because you’ve always dreamed of having bridesmaids with beefy chignons!? Of course!
DON'T. PUSH. ME. CAUSE.I'M. CLOSE. TO. THE. EDGE.
And even closer to getting 'Spite bangs'
Just buy me a wig. Seriously.
9. Of course, I’ll visit 36 bridal salons every saturday until you find ‘the one’.
For you anything, my friend but if there is complimentary champs, I’m drinking it and I can’t promise to remember the specific details of ‘that cream lace gown with the plunging back from store #26’ but I will nod as if I do.
I will be calm, honest and bounce with joy when you find 'the one'.
10. You are my best friend and even though you may have gone temporarily wedding crazy, I love you to LA and back.
You are my best friend and even though you may have gone temporarily wedding crazy, I will be there and you'll be there for me when I go through it all!