You and your fiance are so excited to start planning your wedding, you have a vision of white roses and lots of candles, but he’s more into the rustic barn reception. Uh, wait a second, those visions are a tad bit different, not conflicting but what do you do when you disagree?
What To Do When You Disagree
Rock, paper, scissors won’t help you and demanding you get your way like Veruca Salt is probably going to hinder the joy of being engaged. Instead of wallowing in your wedding planning woes take some advice from someone who’s been there, and who regularly helps other brides and other grooms in your same shoes. Here are 6 suggestions on what you should do when you disagree on any matter wedding:
Remember you are in this together… and things are only going to get tougher.
That came out more negative than I intended. What I mean to say is that your wedding day is only one hurdle, one event, one day. You’ve got a whole life together solving problems and finding compromise ahead of you. Think about what will happen in your lifetime, maybe kids, job changes, moving, family deaths and personal struggles. Use your wedding to practice communicating and finding solutions. Use your wedding to get better at listening, at being loyal, at being loving. Yes. Marsala napkins will look amazing on the farm tables at your venue, but if your other half is completely against the idea, because of budget or because of an adverse reaction to all shades of red, perhaps you can compromise? Maybe blush will look just as grand next to navy, or maybe the caterer provides ivory napkins that perfectly compliment the gold chargers.
Think about why you want what you want, and what it is that you really desire.
My hope is that once you reread that statement you’ll have a few thoughts pop into your brain.
Things like ‘I want to be happily married’, ‘I want my husband to love me forever’, ‘I want to spend my entire life with my wife’.
Things that revolve around commitment and happiness, soul fulfilling desires.
So tell me what you want - oh gosh, please don’t get that song stuck in your head - what you really, really want. Better yet, write it down and tell your fiance. But don’t just think about your big day, think about life. Then (here comes a big word) extrapolate back to your wedding ceremony and reception and narrow down the must haves. The ‘I can’t get married withouts’. Compare lists and create a list of your priorities as a couple. Wanna know what kind of choices you might encounter? Read this blog post on Choices and Your Wedding.
Ask a parent for their perspective.
Sometimes mom and dad have the best advice and when it comes to weddings. A reassuring pat on the back and a pep talk can really help you gain perspective. Plus, they’ve gotten married before (granted, it was probably 30 something years ago) and they know how grandma will feel if she doesn’t get a corsage, or how much of your family will resent not being invited. Take it with a grain of salt of course, because this day is about the two of you first and foremost.
Parent’s might also be inclined to remind you to think about your fiance and be more accommodating than you think you need to be. They might remind you that you are not acting alone in this union and ain’t that the truth. They might reflect on how kind and caring your mom was at their marriage when she… Or how sweet it was when your father didn’t… They might just remind you to be a kind and loving and thoughtful partner, especially while planning your marriage.
Try signing up for pre-marital or couples counselling, and not just to be cliche.
Some states in the US offer a discounted price on your marriage license when you take education classes and if you are constantly butting heads this might be a great option. Skip the undue stress and have someone help you talk it out.
Allow your mind to be changed.
Because you aren’t Miss Nancy Know It All there may be things that you don’t know, there may be options that you haven’t considered, and there will always be more than one way to wed. Allow yourself to be fluid in what you think you want, in your must haves. This isn’t tug-o-war, this is no contest to see who can win the most wedding planning decisions. This is a team effort, and sometimes you kick the winning goal, sometimes you assist.
Love each other, truly and unconditionally.
Avoid bickering with your fiance by sticking together and sticking up for one another. This means that when faced with a question you disagree on, whether it be at a venue tour or while talking to a wedding vendor, choose to say ‘we’ll have to talk more about that’. Write it down and hand out a ‘no comment’ before forcing an opinion or decision that is false or that hasn’t been agreed upon by the both of you.
Even if your spouse to be shrugs and seems detached from any passionate feelings of an indoor or outdoor ceremony, give it time and talk it through together. But most importantly...Get married, happily.
Enjoy your engagement.
Be in love.
Wishing you prosperity, love & happiness,
P.S. Need help sorting out what you want for your wedding? I’ve got help for you in the form of a free printable, video tutorial and podcast. Oh joy. Snag it here.
P.P.S Listen to Josey's own Podcast episode here
Watch Josey's video to get warmed up
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Founder + Head Planner
Sixpence Events & Planning
Josey Stafford is a Minneapolis based event planner, focusing on weddings for millennials who want a stress-free engagement and a wedding filled with laughter and awkward hand gestures.
As a people connector and lover of all types of tea, she works hard to ensure that her clients are educated, their vendors are happy and everyone receives their daily dose of happiness via hugs.