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Guest Post

Guest Post

Nubride! An inclusive wedding show for modern millennial couples

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Nova Reid is a favourite friend of the Bridechilla Podcast and someone that I always enjoy catching up with. In 2012 Nova launched her blog nubride.com  with the goal of making a conscious effort to provide positive images of couples of all ethnicities. 'To begin to realign and introduce a diverse mainstream wedding industry, by helping to reduce that gap in the market…even a teeny tiny bit'
Over the past 18 months, Nova has continued to grow her brand and educate the wedding industry as her work as a diversity consultant. Now, Nova is taking on  a new challenge, launching her very own wedding show! 

Like many vendors and bloggers, you started your blog Nubride.com after your own wedding, what made you take the blogging leap?

I started blogging 2 months after my engagement and carried on with the wedding chat ever since (my poor husband). Nu Bride was born on the 1st January 2012. Feeling despondent and completely invisible as a modern British woman, who also happens to be black planning a wedding. Struggling to find visual inspiration, inclusive beauty and hairstyles, nude wedding underwear for "my nude" and what dresses might look like against my skin colour. With little to no representation for people like me in the wedding industry, I originally used my blog to rant about the wedding industry and document my own wedding planning. My rant resonated with many others. Never did I imagine it would form the key component for a career change and be the foundation of my business and a leading platform for diversity in the wedding industry and beyond.

How do couples find and support equality and diversity minded wedding vendors?

It's actually REALLY REALLY difficult for couples to find equality-minded suppliers. I get emails on a regular basis asking for recommendations from people in the black and brown community and people in the LGBTQ community seeking out safe and inclusive business owners. It's such a shame and also at times, demoralising to have to ask. I've been there.

"The industry is not regulated. So not only do couples battle with narrowing down and finding quality suppliers at times, but they really struggle to find inclusive ones."

There is not regulatory body or service that ties equality-minded wedding pros under one roof. You need to seek them out. So generally word of mouth, looking out for progressive social profiles and publications like Catalyst Wed Co, A Practical Wedding, or simply by looking for visual cues and inclusive language in business owners marketing. The reality is we can be doing so much better with diversity and inclusion in the wedding industry. In an ideal world we should be able to easily see the majority of the wedding industry as an inclusive one and not a minority. Business owners often feel that by thinking they are inclusive that is enough, they need to consistently demonstrate that they are.


Putting on a wedding show is a huge deal- what inspired you to take it on?

Madness.

LOL! In all seriousness, I have been approached over the past 2-3 years by blog sponsors and Nu Bride supporters saying they would love to take part in a Nu Bride Show. I shrugged the idea off because, well. It's a HUGE undertaking. But it was the results from a Nu bride survey that I published in February last year that really inspired me to take action. It revealed 64% of couples attended wedding shows during their planning and of that 64% a whopping 94% of them found wedding shows to be outdated, lacking in inspiration for modern couples, lacking in choice, segregated and definitely lacking in inspiration for couples having multicultural marriages.

"Nu Bride The Wedding Show provides a solution to this and also a gift to my readers and an opportunity to not only connect couples with equality minded suppliers, but provide immersive inspiration, from wellbeing to vow writing workshops and advice to help them plan for their wedding day and also their ever after."

Photo by Jonathan Saavedra

If you were to re-plan your own wedding again tomorrow, what would you change, add or improve knowing what you know now?

You know how I feel about chair covers.

Chair covers were "in" when I got married in 2012. There would be NO chair covers! They are so unnecessary, I would simply just have some nice chairs. lol!

The guest list would change slightly, I would also have that live band I sacrificed for people who didn't turn up. I would also invest in a wedding planner, because you know, who needs to be worrying about the wrong chair covers being used on chairs, moments before you walk down the aisle. lol!

Other than those tiny details it would be the same. We had a gorgeous day with the people in our lives who mattered most. That's what it is all about.

The wedding industry and media has seem some big challenges over the past few years, what are your hopes for the coming years for the industry?

Yes indeed. To see an industry that is more representative of the society we live in. One that moves forward, one that isn't defensive and instead says "you know what, we can do better and we want to be part of the solution" Couples and indeed all consumers now have the beauty and power of choice and they are spending their money with brands and publications that are representative of them, or that authentically engage with them now more than ever. If they aren't they'll simply scroll on by and spend their money elsewhere. Businesses are losing money, wedding publications are closing. Diversity has been proved time and time again to be good for business and of course society in so many publications, including Forbes. Consumer need and expectation is changing. It's time to diversify or businesses absolutely will (and are) get left behind.

Listen to Episode 039 of Bridechilla with Nova

If you weren't doing what you do now, what would you be doing?

I'd be doing even more diversity advocacy work. We have some real issues with equality and inclusion at the moment thanks to certain B and T word.

I'd be a talk show host and then I would retire early living in the Caribbean, running quarterly wellbeing retreats. We all need more wellness in our lives - without our health we have nothing. I think many of us forget that sometimes in the "busyness" myself included.

Best tip for maintaining your chill?

Digital detoxes, more self care, more self compassion. Shutting out the white noise - we have limited energy. You decide who is worthy of your energy or not. If they are not, let it go. In the words of Michael Neill:

"You are just one thought away from having a completely different experience" imagine that.

Life is too short - spend it being unapologetically you, with those who deserve your energy and those who lift your higher.

Everyone is a VIP at Nubride The Wedding Show

Nu Bride The Wedding Show is the UK’s first wedding show dedicated to wedding diversity and the modern millennial couple – Featuring everything you need to plan your wedding day and ever after. 

Everyone is a VIP at Nu Bride the wedding show. Tickets cost £20 which includes entrance to the show, access to all workshops, catwalk and entertainment show, talks and expert panels (based on a first-come first-served basis). A glass of bubbly and a rather swanky goody bag.

Header Image Photo by Edward Cisneros 

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Bridechilla BlogGuest Post

The Simple Bride’s Guide to Eloping

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

By Simply Eloped

Wait, plan an elopement? Isn’t eloping all about not having to deal with wedding planning? The answer is yes and no. Planning an elopement is definitely not like planning a traditional wedding, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing to plan.

Why consider planning an elopement?

Before diving head first into planning, let’s talk about why people choose to elope anyway. The answer is different for everyone. Some of the most common reasons we hear from couples that choose to elope are:

  • Wanting a simple, intimate ceremony
  • Being able to focus wholly on each other
  • Avoiding logistics and family drama
  • Not spending a ton of money on a wedding
  • A big wedding/being the center of attention makes them anxious
  • Don’t want to wait several months to get married
  • Already feel married (have a home, kids, etc.)

Now, on to the fun part. The most important thing to remember in all of this (and one of the best parts of eloping) is that you get to plan as much or as a little as you want. At minimum, you have to choose a date, get a marriage license, and make an appointment to wed for City Hall weddings or arrange an officiant and a witness.

Photo Luisa Renay Diaz

Elopements can = freedom from pressure

As for all the many things associated with weddings, the choice to include or not is completely up to you. Don’t want to deal with a florist? Cool. Don’t have any flowers or forage some on your way to the ceremony. Don’t want to wear white? Awesome. Wear something you feel amazing in. Can’t imagine getting married without your mom there? Invite her. Deciding what is important to you and your partner on your wedding day is number one. Make a list of priorities and start planning from there. Here’s how we suggest getting started.

Eloping has been an amazing experience for so many couples. It eliminates the stress of planning a big wedding and brings the excitement back to what the wedding is all about in the first place.

Listen to episode 113 of the Bridechilla Podcast- all about eloping

Choosing an elopement Location

Location will dictate mostly everything else that you need to plan for. There are a couple ways to go about choosing where to tie the knot. You can choose a spot that carries meaning for you and your partner, like your favorite hike or the park you spent your first date wandering through. Some couples choose a ceremony location that doubles as the starting point for their honeymoon or tack on the ceremony to an already-planned vacation. Other couples simply choose a location that works best for them and what they want their wedding day to feel like. Settle on a location first, then check in on any requirements or scheduling for an event in that location. Some city parks or beaches require advanced scheduling for gazebos, a city hall likely will require an appointment, national parks require a permit, and so on.

Photo Ryan Schorr

Pick a Wedding Date

​This is a huge perk of eloping. Since you have few to no guests to work around, you can choose to get married whenever you want. Seriously, you get to pick whatever time of year, day of the week and moment of day that you want. Being flexible with date and time also allows you to book vendors that may otherwise be booked with weekend weddings or holidays.

Hire Your Wedding Vendors

​You won’t have nearly as many vendors as the traditional wedding, but you can still have some. All in all, even if you have seven vendors, you will have much a smaller order than a big wedding which means less money and more simple planning. However, this does not mean you should put off choosing vendors. If you want the utmost simplicity, choose the essential vendors: a photographer and an officiant. You will totally regret not having photos to cherish of the day you committed your lives to each other.

Depending on the location you’ve chosen, you will likely need to hire an officiant as well. Other vendors to consider are a videographer, florist, hair and makeup stylists, and transportation. For the couples that want one person to handle the details, hire a planner that specializes in elopements. A planner will be able give advice on choosing a location, help you find a photographer and officiant, and help navigate the legal stuff like a wedding certificate and any necessary location permit.

Photo Cappy Phalen

Make It Official- Marriage Licenses

You would think that getting a marriage license would be the simplest part but it can actually be kind of difficult. The state or country in which you are getting married has specific rules that may be different from where you live. Once you decide on location, research marriage licenses in that location. There will be specific documents you need to bring, certain requirements for who can be your witness, and a time sensitivity around signing and sending in the certificate to make it official.

Photo Natalie Koen

Tell Your Family and Friends

This isn’t something that needs pen and paper planning, but it is something to talk through as a couple before you exchange vows. Most of the time someone in your life is a little hurt that they weren’t at your wedding, be it your grandma or your bestie.

 Deciding who needs to know first and then making sure they are the first to know can help soothe hurt feelings. If you want to get creative in sharing the happy news with your people, there are many fun ways to do so. Thinking ahead of how you want to announce your marriage can also be something to communicate with your vendors. Whether you have a “we eloped” sign or a specific shot captured by your photographer, you’ll go in to your wedding day feeling more prepared without worrying about who will be hurt by the end of the day.

Header image by Lauren Rader

More about Simply Eloped

Simply Eloped was founded by a couple named Matt and Janessa. They saw so many close friends spend tons of money on large weddings that were stressful and difficult to plan. After noticing that many of these friends didn’t enjoy their weddings, the duo realized that there must be a better way. With that, Simply Eloped was born and the two set off on a mission to make getting married, fun, easy and affordable!

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Bridechilla BlogGuest Post

What happens to Weddings When women Stop Saying Yes?

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

On episode 356 of the Bridechilla Podcast I was joined by Honey Dew founder's Michelle and Lucy. In this blog they continue the conversation of finding balance when wedding planning and work (and life in general!).
We work on weddings every single day. As founders of a startup that wants to do all the grunt work of wedding planning, this makes sense. After talking to hundreds of couples, we realized with great horror that those that are wedding planning are working on their wedding every single day too. With full time jobs.

Listen to episode 356 Of Bridechilla

The wedding industry just assumes couples will say yes

Hey, I can’t give you the price of the venue over email — can you call me at 3pm?

Hey, could you tell me your budget before I tell you how much these flowers will cost?

Hey, we can’t give you a quote for how much our catering package costs, because it differs for each couple. Will you set up an appointment to discuss more?

These are questions that the wedding industry assumes couples will say yes to. And honestly, the assumption is valid — couples don’t have the expertise or option to say no, because the next wedding vendor will request the same. The industry doesn’t care if both people have a full time job, don’t have time at work to slip away for a vendor phone call, and don’t have an exact itemized list of what flowers or entrees they want. Somehow, in this $70 billion industry where couples spend on average $35,000 on a wedding, they are at the mercy of the wedding vendors who won’t pick up the phone or post prices on their website.

Photo by Edward Cisneros

Without information transparency, couples can’t say no

The Internet allows price comparisons between a pillow on Amazon.com and a pillow on Walmart.com. Uber tells me my trip will cost $11.80 so I can decide to ride Lyft to my music class instead. Now: imagine if you had to email Uber for a price before booking your ride. Imagine if you had to call Amazon about their memory foam pillow to ask whether it was in stock. It’s laughable, right?

Yet, lack of information transparency, especially around price and availability, is the single biggest driver of time wasted and stress when wedding planning. No wedding solution today actually solves this because their revenue comes from wedding vendors (sponsored ads and memberships). Wedding vendors get fewer leads when their prices are readily available online. This makes them less happy.

Who’s championing for the couples’ happiness, then?

The email inbox of a couple caught up in wedding planning

What happens when couples stop saying yes?

One night, we were fuming about the numerous mediocre wedding vendor websites out there, and we had a Eureka moment. What if we systematically retrieved vendor information, and made it transparent? What if couples stopped the hours of research and correspondence they were doing and let us call and email wedding vendors for them? What if we became the buffer between the wedding vendors and the couple, so that couples could STOP reading through 17 page wedding packets for each vendor they talked to, and just…let us screen vendors for them?

What if we did it online, low-touch, and didn’t charge them $10,000 (like a wedding planner) for it?

We grew confident that once couples got a taste of this freedom and control, they’d come to demand it as a baseline, table stakes experience from every wedding company.

We decided to start Honeydew.

Photo by Alvin Mahmudov

Honeydew is the personal assistant and personal champion for your wedding

Imagine a human powered search engine that personalizes exactly to your preferences and constraints and presents you vetted options with decision-critical information. Ok maybe that’s hard to imagine.

Instead, imagine clicking a button and instantaneously feeling confident enough to book a wedding vendor. Imagine your whole wedding planned like this.

Now try us out! We’re live, and we’d love to talk to you!

Show image by Sarah Diniz Outeiro

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Bridechilla BlogGuest Post

10 Steps to Find Your Budget-Friendly, Dream Wedding Dress

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Finding a wedding dress is an exciting life moment, but also a stressful time for many. The vision of what this day is “supposed to look like” is sometimes soured by the stress, drama, and cost of the process.

The wedding industry works overtime on selling us what a “perfect” wedding looks like. As a Bridechilla, you know that there is no such thing. This pressure for perfection compounded by the unsolicited feedback from friends and family.

Chasing the approval of others and the elusive “perfect” wedding causes couples planning their wedding to spend much more than they intended chasing this elusive goal.

This issue is certainly highlighted in the search of the “perfect” dress.

When watching some of the reality shows about brides on the hunt for their dream wedding gown, it is common to see families spend double or triple their intended budget because they found “the dress”.

In reality, they certainly could find a similar dress which looks equally gorgeous within their budget. Enchanted by the magic of it all and the skill of a trained sales associate, a credit card is used and the purchase is made.

Today, I’d like to share a strategic plan for wedding dress shopping on a budget. By setting a realistic expectation of what your wedding dress shopping process will look like, you can stay on budget, enjoy the process and pull together a gorgeous wedding day look!

Photo by Charisse Kenion 

1) Include the right people in your wedding dress search

Finding a wedding dress that makes you look and feel fantastic is a very special and intimate moment in your wedding planning journey; it is lovely to share this process with those you are close with, but do not feel obligated to include any particular person who might bring the energy down.

When it comes to wedding dress shopping, involve those who are going to bring positive vibes, honest feedback, and respect for your wedding vision. Also, consider the dynamic of the group and any tension that might make the experience un-enjoyable for you.

It is better to keep your crew small and find other ways to involve people rather than inviting 20 women to give opinions on wedding gowns.

If there is a friend or relative that you do not want to involve, be diplomatic. If you leave someone out of the process, then do not share the experience on Instagram on Snapchat. Keep the moment intimate and enjoy it with those who are included. This is not meant to “sneak around”, but rather to avoid unnecessary drama over something that is not worth the energy.

If you want to go browsing dresses with just your best friend or mother, that is ok. You are not required to make a big event out of each step of planning your wedding day. You will have many opportunities to include all the important people in your life in the wedding planning process.

Photo by rawpixel

2 ) Do some research in person, but have a cooling off period before making a purchase

You may have a wedding gown in mind that has been pinned on your wedding vision board for years or you may have no idea what sort of wedding dress will suit your style. Either way, I recommend going into at least one bridal shop to “test drive” some different styles.

Be sure you don’t rush this decision. You are going into a shop that will want to sell you something and there may be some sales pressure at points. Because of this, I recommend that you do not even bring a credit card with you. Seriously, leave your wallet at home and have a friend drive.

This first visit should be an experimental phase. This will be a fun day to involve friends and family who want to be a part of this process. Be clear that your aim is NOT to make a purchase, but just to test out some different styles, so you can get clear on what you want.

Try on a variety of gowns based on what the shop staff recommends for your body type. If you have a style in mind, aim to try on some dresses of that variety, just to make sure the style suits your share and is comfortable.

Keep the tone light. Try on some silly dresses, as well as some style contenders, just for a giggle. Find the fun in this process and enjoy having these special people together to help prepare for this big celebration.

I recommend trying on dresses within your budget only. On the off chance that it is love at first sight, you do not want to fall for something that you can not afford. There are gorgeous dresses at all price points, so blowing your budget on this expense category is completely unnecessary.

If there is a dress you absolutely cannot resist, give yourself 24 hours to reflect before purchasing it. Bridal shops are known for their unforgiving return policies. Once you make the purchase, you have limited options if you change your mind. Take your time and avoid the pain of buyer’s remorse.

Most stores will offer a courtesy hold for 24-hour or 48-hour without a charge (and if your wallet isn’t in your hand, that’ll have to work). Take a breath, reflect on the expense and check out step #3 before whipping out a credit card.

Photo by Alora Griffiths

3) If you think you found “the dress”...

Now, it is time to tap the web for all it is worth and find yourself a cherry of a deal.

While you will not always be able to find the exact dress for a deep discount, waiting the 24-hours to scour online like a CIA agent is a smart step. You can give yourself a minute to reflect before making such a big purchase and be certain you are getting that dress for the best price available.

Open up google and search the brand name and style number to locate the professional photos of the dress on the brand’s website.

Save that image and drop that professional image into google image search.

The image search will pull up a long list of sites to explore, but first, browse the “visually similar images.”

Each image will be linked to a bridal shop or online dress retailer.

Grab a notepad and make notes of pricing listed on various sites. This will likely require calling some stores to check their current pricing. Depending on the dress, you may find that same dress you love for a deep discount with another shop’s current sales.

If you are open to a pre-owned gown, which I would recommend considering, add “used” into the search. Step 4 notes some of the major pre-owned gown retailers.

If considering a pre-owned dress, be sure to consider the original size of the dress and any alterations that might impact the way the gown fits. Alterations are expensive, so if you need to reshape the pre-owned dress to make it fit, the new gown in the correct size may end up being more affordable.

By using this simple online search and waiting for 24 hours, it is often possible to score the exact dress you have on hold for hundreds less.

As a test, while writing this article, I picked a completely random dress from Maggie Sottero and within a minute found this dress (pre-loved) online for 40% below retail price. The deals are out there is you spend the time searching for them.

Photo by Taylor Harding

4) If you didn’t find “the dress” yet... 

Hopefully, you now have a much better idea of style and sizing from your visit to the bridal shop. With this info in hand, you can start using filters on some top online resale and sample sale websites to find better deals on dresses suited to your style. Without the overhead of a full store, online bridal shops can offer deeply discounted pricing.

Sites selling new dresses at surprisingly reasonable prices are sometimes too good to be true; always seek out unbiased reviews for online retailers and be sure to read the fine print regarding returns to avoid a bad situation. There are some great companies and others that are less impressive, so be sure to do your homework.

Here is a list of amazing sites that I recommend searching for pre-loved dresses:

Tradesy

Still White

Poshmark

Nearly Newlywed

Brides for a Cure

Brides Against Breast Cancer

Adorned in Grace

Fairytale Brides

There are pre-owned bridal stores in most towns, too. Take a quick second to check for one in your area and you might find the opportunity to browse some gently loved gowns in person.

Listen to this helpful episode of Bridechilla

5) Once you locate the dress you love at the right price, it is time to place your order

Spending an extra few minutes looks for a promo code or coupon online can save a little extra or at least cover shipping costs. To maximize your purchase, use a credit card with rewards so you can earn something back on your purchase.

6) While you wait for the dress to arrive, research affordable seamstresses in your area 

Rather than contacting the seamstress recommended by the local bridal shop, take time to yelp to see what seamstress options are in your area.

As with all wedding projects, if you find a company specializing in weddings, they will likely be more expensive. Look for a highly recommended and reviewed alterations shop or seamstress that works with all sorts of projects.

Call to get a quote for altering a “gown” (do not say the “w” word), they will likely give a ballpark cost rather than an exact cost since they do need to see the project to provide a true estimate.

When you bring the dress into the shop, mention the quote that you were provided over the phone and that will help keep the cost most reasonable.

Photo by Julie Johnson

7) Hold an “unveiling” with your bride tribe when the dress arrives 

If you order online, you will likely be very eager to rip open the box and try that gown on as soon as the UPS man leaves your porch.

Be strong! Wait to open that box … this can be a fun way to involve your friends and family. Get a bottle of champagne (or whatever you all prefer) and invite the crew over for the exciting moment.

They can help give feedback on any alterations needed. This is also a great time to chat about accessories and shoes (see the next steps).

8) Purchase shoes that can be worn over and over again

Many brides over prioritize their wedding day shoes. The truth is your shoes are not the star of the show on your wedding day. With the current wedding culture viewed via the lens of Pinterest and Instagram, it may seem like your shoes will get a lot more attention than they will in reality.

There are a ton of cute “getting ready” photos highlighting some gorgeous shoes, but unless you have opted for a tea length dress, your gown will cover up your shoes for at least 98% of the day.

I am not saying you should wear your old, ratty converse just because they will not be visible. It is your special day, so you want to wear shoes you love, but just consider buying shoes that you will use again. If you are going to spend big on special wedding day shoes, they should be shoes you will get a lot of use out of!

Personally, I can not wear heels, so I opted for some goddess style sandals on my wedding day. After my wedding day, I literally wore those sandals until the soles fell off. Every time I wore them I remembered our amazing day and it brought a smile to my face.

Select a type of shoe that works with the venue and, more importantly, works for your lifestyle. I’ve seen brides wear all different shoe styles for their wedding - boots to sandals to sneakers. Select something that will make your day special, but also will get used again rather than stored in the back of your closet.

Photo by Tom Quandt

9) Rein in the accessories and consider “something old” or “something borrowed”

If you purchased your dress from a bridal shop, when you go back to the shop to try on the dress again, be prepared for the upsells. They will grab a veil, a belt, a necklace, and shoes and try to sell you the full look. 

There is nothing wrong with this. Of course, you want inspiration for how you might fill in your look, just do not feel pressure to make that purchase immediately.

Much like a used car salesman, the staff member may suddenly remember there is a special sale on all accessories today only. Take a breath - you can find suitable accessories easily and there is no need to break your budget.

And, honestly, that sale is probably available all of the time. False scarcity is a commonly used sales tactic used to scare you into making an unnecessarily quick decision.

Before you invest some of your wedding budget on accessories for your wedding day...

Does your mother, grandmother, aunt or future mother-in-law have a special necklace that would go perfectly with your dress?

Or perhaps, your great-aunt has an old brooch that can jazz up the waistline instead of a belt?

Can you borrow your best friend’s pearl earrings?

From my experience, honoring the special people in your life by including their item as a part of your wedding day look is not only budget-friendly but also a significant complement to the person.

Before getting out your credit card and dropping some cash for some new accessories you’ll wear once, chat with those closest to you and see if they have some pieces of jewelry or a veil or maybe even shoes that fit your vision.

Photo by Scott Webb

10) Once you’ve had your dress altered, be mindful of not needing last minute alterations

Once you have paid a pretty penny for the dress to be hemmed and tailored to perfection, you do not want to gain or lose any significant weight.

If you have a significant weight change due to wedding nerves, you will be spending some extra money on the second set of alterations. Do your best to take care of yourself as your wedding day approaches. And if you know that nerves cause major weight swings for you, consider a dress that is more forgiving (perhaps a corset back).

If you are considering a crash diet for the months leading up to your wedding day, let that go. You are engaged and in love with someone who wants you just as you are. Stop stressing and enjoy this special time!

This article was written by Heather Loree Fier, author of The Wedding Hacker: A Budget-Minded Planning Playbook. 

​

Blog header image photo by Jessica Rockowitz

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Bridechilla BlogGuest Post

How to not be perfect and still be brilliant!

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

On episode 354 of the Bridechilla podcast, guest Dr. David Purves shares tools and takeaways to overcome and avoid perfectionism. In this blog Dr Purves gives us 8 ways to ditch the quest for perfectionism, which is an enemy to be defeated in wedding planning and in life! 

Listen to the episode

It's a common myth that high standard are always a good thing. Virtually every psychological problem has within it the seeds of ultra high personal standards. If you're reading this you may be tempted to say 'Are you saying it's better to have NO standards, I couldn't do that'. And in this imaginary interchange the problem is revealed. Ultra high standards are held by perfectionists. It is a variation on a black and white thinking style. You know the kind of thing; it's fantastic or it's useless. It's perfect or it's a failure. 

Perfectionists set themselves very high personal standards and then they judge their performance against those standards. If they fail to meet them (which they often do because they are so high) they are very self critical, and may feel that everything they have worked for is at risk and even that they are failing. 

Alternatively if they do meet their standards they think they have set them too low and that's why they succeeded.

Photo by Brooke Cagle

So what can we do about this pervasive and frankly unhelpful process?

Well, I have made a list of good standby strategies you can use to off-set the debilitating need to be perfect. Spoiler alert...no one is perfect and nothing is perfect. So the whole attempt to be 'perfect' is doomed. But you can still be brilliant.

1.There is nothing wrong with you, you are fine just as you are. 

Your high standards may seem quirky and helpful and 'just how you are' but they going to bite you in the bum at some point so you may was well take control of them now and enjoy your life journey instead being self critical.

2. You are probably depending too much on your own evaluation of how you are doing. 

The problem is that you are heavily biased in favor of what you have always done. You may not even see the process of perfectionism in action. So ask a trusted friend to calibrate what you think against what they think. Two heads are better than one and just the act of opening up your perfectionist tenancies to the wider world can have a refreshing and releasing effect on you.

3. Stress often makes you fall back on tried and tested methods of problem solving even if they are useless!

When you get stressed you will apply your perfectionist tool kit even harder. You will work harder, raise your already high standards and criticize yourself even more.

4. If you wouldn't say it to another person don't think it of yourself.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

5. Practice keeping a diary of the critical things you say to yourself. 

It can be put in a worksheet that has these headings:- (1) Triggering events, (2) Self critical thoughts and (3) Associated feelings. Being able to see your critical thoughts written down has a powerful balancing effect.

6. Develop a compassionate voice you can use to challenge your harsh critical voice. 

Imagine the voice of a close friend who loves and cares for you. They understand what you struggle with and how much you care about things. But they also speak from a place of love and compassion. Give this voice a name an use it to speak to yourself about how you are doing. Especially when you are feeling overwhelmed. The change of voice tone is a powerful intervention to help you remain balanced and feeling in control.

7. Learn to forgive yourself for being human. 

You would forgive other people for their mistakes so give yourself the same leeway you afford others.

8. Challenge your faulty thinking styles. 

These are conclusion jumping (jumping to conclusions without adequate evidence; perfectionism being an example of that). Crystal gazing (imagining your know something you could not possibly know) and Talking down (talking yourself, others or the world down). If you want a free copy of my e-book on faulty thinking please click here.

Header image by Candice Picard 

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Guest Post

Pre-Wedding- Rules for Sensitive Skin

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Wedding Rules for Sensitive Skin

Sarah Brown is the founder of Pai Skincare. Entrepreneur, mum and sensitive-skinned soul. She is our Bridechilla podcast guest on Episode 349. 

Listen to the episode

​​The last anti-histamine tablet I ever took was on my wedding day almost 8 years ago. I was totally paranoid I was going to start itching uncontrollably in the middle of my vows; I was leaving nothing to chance.

For those of you getting hitched this year and wondering how to ensure calm skin on your big day, read on. 

Here are some of Sarah's top tips to save you from reaching for the medicine cabinet:


  • Get into a good skincare regime early with a focus on gentle cleansing. Do this at least 2-3 months beforehand, so your skin has time to adjust and get into a nice groove.
  • Once you find the right products that your skin is responding well to, do NOT deviate.
  • Avoid facials, extractions or any treatments that might cause breakouts or sensitivity a month before. If your hen weekend involves a spa visit, pick a relaxing massage instead.
  • Keep the wedding nerves in check. Ashwagandha is considered a great supplement for keeping the adrenals quiet while wedding planning stress mounts.
  • Find the right moisturiser that is going to keep your skin hydrated but not give you too much shine. Our Geranium & Thistle Rebalancing Day Cream is a favourite on film sets because it’s mattifying, but is a great base for make-up that needs to stay put for long periods.
  • A week before the wedding, cut out all refined sugar to avoid hormone spikes and skin congestion.
  • Relax and focus on the moment. True radiance radiates from happy people, whatever their skin challenges!

Oil Vs Cream?

In episode 349, Sarah shares some of the benefits of using oils or sensitive skin. Bridechilla founder Aleisha has has some wonderful results using Pai's  Rosehip BioRegenerate Oil.

In the last few years, Facial Oils have taken the beauty world by storm, and it’s been fantastic to see so many people incorporate them into their regimes.

With a host of amazing organic Oils available, it can be easy to become a dedicated fan – and leave more traditional Face Creams behind.

Here’s why I think a good skincare regime combines BOTH CREAMS AND OILS, and how they perform differently on the skin.

facial oil

OIL

Choose your facial oil carefully and it can make a huge and very visible difference to your skin.

They key thing about Oils is that the actives are present at a much higher concentration as they’re not diluted, so they have a more tangible effect on the skin.

A fatty, Omega-rich Oil like our Rosehip BioRegenerate Oil or Echium & Amaranth Age Confidence Oil deeply conditions, nourishes and improves skin tone and elasticity.

The key thing to remember is you cannot receive hydration from an Oil alone – despite what some brands may claim.

This is where Creams come into their own…

face cream

CREAM

The simple purpose of a Cream is to HYDRATE and PROTECT the skin. A Cream is a mixture or ‘emulsion’ of fats, water and actives that are able to hydrate skin thanks to their very high water content, which is around 60-80%.

A Cream drives moisture into the skin while fatty oils and ingredients like vegetable-derived glycerin prevent the water from evaporating. This hydration boost means that skin cells retain moisture, leaving skin supple, healthy and glowing.

Additional actives are also able to target specific skin needs, but the results may be less visible than with an Oil as they’re present at much lower concentrations.

Meet Sarah Brown

Sarah Brown is the founder of Pai Skincare, a company committed to providing ultra-pure certified organic skin care products that are loaded with skin-soothers and completely free from irritants. 

After developing a skin irritation and having no success with other products claiming to be organic, Sarah decided to create her own products. Pai products are made for people with sensitive skin, by people with sensitive skin.

Listen to Sarah on The Bridechilla Podcast

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Guest Post

Wedding Photography, How to Pose and Act Natural

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

In this blog and episode of The Bridechilla Podcast, Photographer Cavin Elizabeth shares her best tips for being comfortable in front of the camera and making the most of your wedding photography.  

For me to be comfortable in front of the camera, I not only have to trust and love my photographer but also must feel great about my appearance and wardrobe. Additionally I want to make sure that I am posed in the most flattering angles for my body. Below I’ve written a few tips on those topics to help you become more at-ease in front of the camera! 

Listen to the episode 343

1. Stand Up Straight and Keep Shoulders Back and Down

It’s no secret that great posture makes people look much more flattering and confident than slouching. Standing up straight with your shoulders back and down away from the ears not only makes you appear taller, it also makes you look much more confident. Additionally, you’ll look more relaxed when your shoulders are down rather than tensed up toward your ears.

2. Know Your Good Side

If there’s a side you prefer to your face, tell your photographer so they can photograph you from that side more than the other side of your face. Faces are rarely symmetrical and usually they have a side that looks better than the other. I figured out that my left side is the side of my face I prefer because it has a slightly larger eye (yes, that’s a good thing in this context) and my cheekbone seems to look better on that side. It is so subtle, but I notice that I like photos of my left side more than my right side. If you’re unsure which side you prefer, have a friend take your photo from a few different angles of each side and compare the two!

3. Choose a Great Outfit

Obviously for the wedding, you’ll be set on what to wear, but for engagement photos you have so many more choices and it can be overwhelming. For your engagement photos, plan your outfits to complement one another’s. Choose a consistent color palette (which doesn’t have to mean the same color). If one of you is wearing a bold pattern, dress the other in a complementing solid. You want a beautiful balance between your two outfits, so dress up and see how you both look next to each other!

Think about all of the times you’ve ever been photographed by friends, family, yourself, etc. Unless you are a wedding guest or bridesmaid all the time, it’s likely that you’re in casual or business casual clothing for all of these images, which is why I always suggest that my couples dress up for their session.

You can literally be photographed in casual clothing like jeans and a nice top any day of the week; however, your engagement photos are a once in a lifetime occasion that deserve some clothing effort. If you do want to keep things casual, I still recommend making it the most stylish version of casual. Basically, by putting thought and effort into the selection of your wardrobe, you’re bound to feel great about your choices and that will truly shine in your confidence!

4. Hair and Makeup

Ladies, it is the absolute best thing you can do for yourselves to have your hair and makeup professionally done to ensure you not only look your best, but also so you feel really confident about your look. You’ll have these images forever and you’ll see them hanging on your wall or sitting on your desk everyday, so naturally, you want to look your best. Even if you don’t normally wear much makeup, I recommend wearing more than usual as the camera does not pick up nearly as much makeup as it appears in-person. Don’t be scared if you look a little extra. It’ll turn out beautifully!

Men, if you always love how your hair looks best after cut and styled by your hair stylist, then book an appointment the day of your session. If you prefer your hair a week or so out from your last cut date, then plan for that and be sure to ask your stylist for some tips on how to get the best look at home.

5. Liquid Courage or a Relaxing Activity

Many of my couples love sipping champagne during their sessions or even going to a brewery to start off the photos. Not only does this allow them to relax with liquid courage, it also gives me a fun activity to photograph. I love unique sessions like that!

If you’re not much of a drinker, find an activity you can do during your photos that would look great on camera. Examples include walking your dog together, cooking or baking in the kitchen (if it has great light!), or even renting a rowboat for some super romantic images.

Meet Cavin Elizabeth

Hi! I’m Cavin, an international wedding film and digital photographer based in San Diego. My inspiration comes not only from beautiful aesthetics like old-world European architecture and the fine arts, but also from my incredible couples and the love they share for each other.

As a boutique studio I love to connect with each and every one of my couples so that they feel truly at-ease and comfortable with me every step of the way. My style of organic posing and my ability to loosen up anybody in front of my camera gives my images a romantic, authentic, and dreamy look.   

As a photographer who fully believes in the value of client education, I published a book that teaches brides how to make the most out of their wedding photography and have magazine worthy images entitled A Bride’s Guide to a Picture Perfect Wedding. My passion for helping my clients make the most out of their photos has often been described as one of their favorite things about working with me!

Images by Cavin Elizabeth

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Bridechilla BlogGuest Post

What You Think Matters but Doesn’t, and What You Don’t Think Matters but Does

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha
What You Think Matters but Doesn't, and What You Don't Think Matters but Does
Listen to Episode 336 of the Bridechilla Podcast

Here’s what you’re overthinking (and shouldn’t) and what you should be considering instead

Meghan Ely, OFD Consulting

Weddings are simply not what they were 5, even 10, years ago (except for mason jars- those just don’t seem to go away!). These days, it’s all about the couples’ comfort, and rarely does anyone turn their nose up anymore at breaking tradition or going rogue when it comes to the smaller details.

That being said, have you ever witnessed a friend overreact over a detail that you would never lose sleep over, or vice versa? Each couple is different when it comes to how they want to spend their big day, but these pros are weighing in on the reality of what to worry about – including when you might need a reality check.

Bridechilla What You Think Matters but Doesn't, and What You Don't Think Matters but Does

Photo by Gades Photography

​

What you’re overthinking

Again, it’s a different cup of tea for everyone that chooses to prioritize certain elements over others, but this is for those that may not see the bigger picture. Joan Wyndrum of Blooms by the Box says this is true in the case of trying to match exact colors across the board.

“Whether it’s the bridesmaid dresses, table linens or invitations, trying to match them to your flowers will prove frustrating and futile due to the natural color variation in flowers. Color variation is what makes flowers beautiful!”

The thought of your wedding timeline might be enough to send you into a panic, or have you reaching for the nearest bottle of wine. Paulette Alkire of Chalet View Lodge shuts down that common fear, saying,

“As soon as couples begin the planning process, they stress about making every decision right away. My advice is to take a step back. Look at the big picture. What are the most important aspects of planning to tackle? Which ones are most time-sensitive?” 

She heavily recommends mapping out a budget first, then securing details second. You’ll be thankful you kept yourself in check – there’s no strict time constraint on when you have to get married.

As Kevin Dennis of Fantasy Sound Event Services likes to say, we’re in the era of ‘Pinterest Prejudice.’ There’s a very high standard that we hold ourselves to, and it can create a lot of self-inflicted pressure.

“We do our best to recreate a couple’s vision within their budget and logistics, but many times our couples worry that it won’t look exactly the same and the guests will know. When in reality, the guests have never seen the inspiration photo and will be blown away by any type of lighting and decor that’s present. They don’t know that their inspiration photo was 100 Edison lights but the couple only could afford 20 – they’ll just see the 20 and love them!”

Megan Velez of Destination Weddings Travel Group agrees.

“Many people envision their wedding and can’t deviate from that vision when the big day comes, no matter how trivial the detail. Couples tend to think every detail (including the smallest ones) are all of equal weight and importance. But the fact is, they’re not!”
what you think matters Bridechilla

Photo by Elizeu Dias 

​

What you’re not thinking enough about

It’s easy to get lost in the details that you’ve been compiling over the years, especially the visual aspects that make this day your dream wedding. However, if any number of horror stories don’t convince you, then we will. It takes only one misstep to bring your big day from luxurious to lackluster.

Brittny Drye of Love Inc. says that logistics reign supreme.

“Timelines aren’t the sexiest thing to talk about when it comes to weddings, but they’re the foundation to running a smooth operation day-of. If you haven’t hired a planner, be sure your venue has a coordinator or put a trusted loved one in charge with specific instructions.”

Rest assured that guests don’t forget easily when a detail goes awry.

“People remember experiences. The quality of the food, the band, and whether or not everything was easily understood and manageable. Did they have fun? Was the transportation timely?” 
What matters bridechilla

Photo by Gades Photography

Think about your priorities

Emily Sullivan, owner of Emily Sullivan Events says of these key points. Make sure you’re concise and prompt, and always prioritize the food and entertainment.

No matter your budget or imagination, your wedding day can’t succeed without a great staff. Lauren Lemke, lead planner at Amy Abbott Events says support is key to pulling an event off seamlessly.

“Most couples go to events and see the end product with the tables all set and the music playing. They don't realize the amount of labor and prep that goes into creating the perfect atmosphere. Tables and chairs need to be moved in and set, food needs to be prepped, lights need to be hung, sound systems placed. A wedding can be a major production.”

Let’s face it, there’s no real right or wrong to planning a wedding, despite what we’ve been engrained to think by scrolling through picture-perfect Instagram nuptials. However, what you pay attention to really matters, and most of your stress boils down to not prioritizing the proper details. Think about your wedding as if you were an attending guest, and pace yourself! Remember the real reason why you’re getting married and ditch the idea of perfection.

Meghan Ely is the owner of wedding PR and wedding marketing firm OFD Consulting. Ely is a sought-after speaker, adjunct professor in the field of public relations, and a self-professed royal wedding enthusiast.

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Bridechilla PodcastGuest Post

333-All-Inclusive Wedding Packages- Are They for Me?

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

You may never again encounter a project that involves as many details as your wedding. Attendants, family, guests, vendors – there are layers upon layers of people needing direction and answers, not to mention all of the decisions you have to make! If you feel like the process is simply too much for a Bridechilla to handle, you should seriously consider booking an all-inclusive wedding package. My guest today is ​Paulette Alkire, a wedding planner from the fabulous Chalet View Lodge.
Be sure to read her blog below and check out some of the gorgeous images from a recent wedding held at the lodge.  

Listen to episode 333 of Bridechilla

By Paulette Alkire from Chalet View Lodge

What does all-inclusive mean in the wedding world?

An all-inclusive wedding refers to an event production 'package’ that includes almost everything you need for your wedding. While these packages vary from site to site, often they include the big things like the venue or space, along with rentals, linens, table settings, and chairs. Some inclusive wedding packages also include other vendor products or services like bartending, flowers, a DJ, and the cake with champagne toast. Many venues include the services of a wedding planner or coordinator.

Why is an all-inclusive wedding package a great fit for a Bridechilla?

A busy Bridechilla doesn’t have time to mull over the endless logistics of her wedding! Think of the benefits you would enjoy if a professional planner or coordinator organized all of them for you. No more worrying about delivery times or checking in on the wedding day to make sure it’s running smoothly.

Don’t worry, though. Choosing an all-inclusive wedding doesn’t mean sacrificing your individuality or style. Your vendors will still consult with you or your wedding planner to find out what inspires you! The flavors, colors, textures and entertainment will definitely be all you!

Get Inspired

If you are a Bridechilla who has no idea what you want for your special day, all-inclusive packages can provide you with the bones, or a basic structure. This allows you to have more time and be more creative with the fun stuff, like décor details and menu tastings.

Save Money

Packaging can also save you money over purchasing services a la carte. Bundling rentals, set up fees, venue fees, and other production aspects gives vendors an incentive to extend special rates or extra services. Sticking to your wedding budget becomes much easier, and what is provided at a comparatively low price point can end up being much more than if you were to rent or hire each separate piece.

There are many reasons a Bridechilla might choose an all-inclusive wedding package over putting her event together piece by piece. If you want a high value, low stress wedding experience ask your venue manager if you have the option of upgrading your agreement. Then enjoy the freedom that comes with knowing you will enjoy an amazing celebration of your love!

Paulette Alkire and Sammi Shea are Wedding Planners at Chalet View Lodge. Chalet View Lodge is a full-service wedding venue as well as a boutique resort, and spa tucked in the mountains of Graeagle, California. This unique property boasts ten beautiful acres that creates the perfect private wedding oasis.

Images by Kay Kroshus 

Thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

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Bridechilla BlogGuest Post

A Canadian Bridechilla (Politely) Goes Rogue

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

A Canadian Bridechilla (Politely) Goes Rogue

Greetings, Bridechillas!

My name is Carolyn and I am a bride-to-be from Canada. My fiancé Mike and I are getting hitched in about 9 months and we are PUMPED!
We live in Toronto, Ontario but our wedding is going to be in Hubbards, Nova Scotia, close to where Mike grew up. Planning from afar has come with its own set of challenges, but we are trying to take it all in stride and enjoy the process.

Let me tell you the story of how we went rogue with our wedding planning before we even got engaged.

How, you might ask? In an act that put the cart squarely before the horse, we committed to a wedding date and venue based only on photos we had seen on the Internet. Several months before we got engaged. I’ll pause to let that all sink in.

A bit of background: Neither one of us is really the rule-breaking type. I suppose we both have a mildly stubborn streak that doesn’t take kindly to being told to do something just because it’s been done that way in the past, but we are also cautious, indecisive, and risk-averse by nature.

At the time of our fateful venue selection, we had been living together for close to a year and had long since set our sights on a future together. At the same time, we were enjoying life in our little bubble and didn’t particularly want to start investing our time in planning a wedding. About 6 months before we got engaged, we were in the midst of making breakfast on a lazy Sunday when the topic of our eventual wedding location came up. Being from different provinces, we both knew that one (or both) sides of the family would have to travel a significant distance to join us for the wedding. I had my heart set on a barn venue and decided to poke around online to see what was available. Lo and behold, the perfect venue appeared before our eyes. All of the other options evaporated in an instant: this was our venue!

Photo by Tiko Giorgadze​

Before long, our excitement turned to dread. What if they ran out of dates for the following summer before we were ready to book? I decided that there wouldn’t be any harm in e-mailing the venue, just to confirm that they had a multitude of dates left to choose from. Bad idea. We soon learned that there were only a few dates left that fit with what we wanted. Within days, we had committed to a wedding date and venue without actually visiting the venue in person.

Not long after we got engaged, we had a chance to go and see the location in person and it was even better than what the pictures showed online! Emboldened by our success, we had soon booked our photographer, day-of-coordinator, and caterer without stepping outside the comfort of our home.

Even if you are getting hitched in the same city that you live in, I think there’s something to be said about allowing yourself to make some choices, big and small, without torturing yourself. I’ve seen wedding checklists that suggest meeting with at least three photographers before making a final decision. By all means, if that is a step you need to take to know that you are making the right choice, go for it! We all have our own process. However, don’t let a checklist dictate how you should be making your choices. There is no one right way to plan a wedding.

If you are thinking of skirting a rule or two, it is important that you don’t go in blindly. For that reason, I have compiled some tips for all of you rogue Bridechillas out there who are thinking of bending or breaking some wedding planning rules:

How to Get Away With Being a Rogue Bridechilla

1. Make sure you know what you are getting yourself into.

The consequences of making rash or uninformed decisions in the wedding planning process can be emotionally and financially catastrophic. As unconventional as our decision may have been, we did our homework before jumping in. This also wasn’t my first rodeo – as someone who has been a bridesmaid/MOH many times over, I went in with a solid understanding of what questions to ask and what to be cautious of. We spent a very tedious day fleshing out a potential budget and researching typical cost breakdowns to make sure that this exciting step forward wasn’t the first step towards the edge of a plank. We read the contract as if we were signing our lives away. Be bold, not cavalier.

Photo by Soroush Karimi 

2. Use online resources to your advantage.

Yes, choosing a venue without seeing it in person (or choosing any vendor from afar) can be risky. We mitigated our risks seeking out photos from other weddings that took place at our venue. I scoured Pinterest and local photographers’ websites to find wedding albums and ended up with about a dozen to draw from - by the time we booked, I knew every nook and cranny. A few of the albums I found had been featured in wedding blogs, complete with cost breakdowns that gave us extra confidence that the venue would fit within our budget

3. When something doesn’t feel right, run.

Early on in our planning process, we considered using a food truck to cater our wedding. We spoke with a local food truck owner who gave us an impassioned speech about how he’d be able to feed our entire group for a fraction of the cost and how the other caterers were just trying to rip us off. He turned out to be as flaky as the delicious pastries he said he could make for our wedding. We rightfully got spooked and jumped ship before making any sort of financial commitment. We are thrilled with the caterer we eventually chose (Certainly Cinnamon) and are happy to spend the extra cash for the peace of mind of knowing that we can rely on them. We also learned our lesson. In the time since, we’ve made sure to set clear expectations early on and move on as soon as we get bad vibes.

4. Make sure you and your partner are both on the same page.

For the love of god, please do not suggest booking a wedding venue before you get engaged unless you are 100% sure that your partner will be on board with the idea. We spent almost a year in advance of choosing our venue talking about how excited we were to eventually get married. He had asked for my ring preferences and we had jointly decided on having our wedding in the summer of 2017. Heck, we were practically engaged already, minus the down-on-one-knee part. One of Mike’s work colleagues told him later that I must’ve wanted to speed along the engagement, hence my suggestion to book the venue before the engagement. While this wasn’t true in our case, I can see that taking a step like this could be more trouble than it’s worth for some couples. Proceed with caution. The same goes for all non-traditional decisions. Make sure you can both live with the worst-case scenario.

5. Enjoy the benefits of making bold choices.

One unexpected benefit of having a venue chosen already was that we had an answer to the first question everyone asks when you first get engaged! It sure helped us to stay relaxed and in the moment as we told everyone about our engagement.

Good luck all of you rule-breakers!

-Carolyn

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