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380- Wedding Planning Q&A with Aleisha

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

When you are in the middle of wedding planning, it’s easy to think you are the only one who struggles or has issues. The wedding industry likes to portray weddings as magical, perfect events. Here on the bridechilla podcast, we know that isn’t always the case. That’s why we have wedding planning question and answer episodes; so that you can hear from other Bridechillas who are struggling along the wedding planning journey and get some great advice on how to deal with specific problems. On this episode, you’ll hear questions about involving your parents and step parents in the wedding planning process, how to handle friends who are also wedding vendors, and how to be involved in the planning of your own bachelorette or hen party. 

Listen to episode 380 Of The Bridechilla Podcast

Requesting wedding gifts, the right way

One perk of getting married is that people will give you gifts. Registries can help guide attendees in buying you the things you want and need. What do you do if there are differing gift traditions with you and your partner? How can you communicate both wishes to your wedding guests without seeming pretentious or ungrateful? There is a way to clearly and tactfully explain the best approach to gifts at your wedding. Aleisha explains how and stresses that the key is expressing gratitude. Hear about that and much more on this episode of the Bridechilla podcast. 

A lot of the time people feel disconnected from the process or they feel left out or lonely about it all because they don’t know what’s going on.

3 Ways to Involve a long-distance parent in your wedding

When planning a wedding, a bride might find herself a long distance away from home. How do you get your parents involved in the planning process when they are in different states, countries, or time zones? Sometimes, all it takes is just keeping them updated with progress. Aleisha gives three specific ways to make a parent or close relative feel a part of the process even when they aren’t nearby. A little planning and some extra attention can help close the gap and ease the tension with parents who want to be involved but can’t because of distance.  

Photo by Analise Benevides 

How to involve your stepparent in the wedding

Bridechilla Kristen asks how she should involve her step dad in the wedding. Her parents will be walking her down the aisle, but she still wants to include her step dad. With a limited number of roles in most weddings, how do you include everyone who is important to you in the wedding? Aleisha recommends some unique ways to involve step parents or other relatives in the ceremony that will allow you to honor them and will allow them to be a meaningful part of your wedding. 

Older people sometimes say ‘That is what we do and we are not going to change it just because they wrote it on a website.

Friends with wedding benefits...frendors

Some brides love the idea of having a bridesmaid or friend fix their hair, shoot their pictures, or cater their wedding. It can be a huge cost savings and can ensure that you have a trusting relationship with that person. However, hiring or using a friends gift or talent for your wedding might not always be desirable. It could cause unnecessary tension in the relationship. And you may want that friend to come and enjoy the wedding rather than work at it. How can you communicate your feelings and wishes to a friend who might be expecting to be asked to work your wedding? Aleisha gives tips for thoughtfully sharing with your friend so as to maintain the relationship and hire the vendor you want. 

I believe you should always offer to pay people and allow them to say ‘no, no I’d love to gift you your wedding hair.

Photo by Fa Barboza

That is the worst thing you can do to anyone that is angry or feeling stressed or overwhelmed is to go ‘just calm down.’ That’s my trigger point of going ‘I’m going to punch you in the throat'. Don’t tell me to calm down.

Listen to episode 380 of the Bridechilla Podcast

Show Highlights

  • [0:26] Introduction of this week’s show and how Aleisha has been able to produce so many podcast episodes. 

  • [1:15] Aleisha explains what wedstress is and how the bridechilla podcast is here to help alleviate your wedstress.

  • [3:59] Bridechilla Rosie asks What is the clear, tactful way of telling wedding guests that there are two ways to give wedding gifts when there are two different customs involved. 

  • [7:08] Kennedy is concerned that her mom is feeling left out of the wedding planning since she and her fiance live away from home. How can she make her feel more involved?

  • [11:23] Kennedy also asks how to handle a bridesmaid who has tattoos that her partner and future Mother-in-law are afraid will be a bad look for the wedding and pictures. 

  • [14:36] Kristen from Canada wants to know how to involve her stepdad in her wedding. 

  • [22:29] How to address friends who are expecting to be hired to help with your wedding when you’d rather just have them attend or being a part of the wedding party. 

  • [27:27] Destination bachelorette parties.

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With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Show image by Olivia Bauso 

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375- Wedding Traditions, Dresses, and Parents Q&A with Aleisha

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

In this episode, you’ll hear questions from the Bridechilla community about how to handle the wedding dress being ruined three weeks before the ceremony, how to deal with parents overstepping boundaries, and a great story about a ditching wedding traditions and going your own way. Listen for the great advice that can help you with similar issues when planning your wedding

Listen to episode 375 of The Bridechilla Podcast

Creating new wedding traditions when the old ones don’t apply

The Bridechilla community knows that traditions can be taken or left. No tradition is more important that the wishes and desires of the couple getting married. Erin is the quintessential Bridechilla who is not only rejecting old, irrelevant traditions, but is also creating new and unique traditions. Some of her plans had to be altered due to the fact that her Mom and Dad have passed away. She has found creative ways to honor them while having a customized wedding that is sure to be special. Listen as Erin gives an update about her wedding plans.

If you can attach a meaning to a tradition, then do it. But if you can’t, then ditch it

What to do when they messed up the dress

Bridechilla Kate has a huge dress dilemma. Alterations ruined her dress and she only has three weeks until the wedding. As you can imagine she is stressed out and unsure of what to do. She wants to wear a dress that she looks and feels great in but is afraid that finding another one in such a short amount of time might be impossible. Aleisha gives Kate advice about how to find another dress quickly and what recourse she has with the vendor who messed up the dress.

Lady wearing white wedding dress walking

Photo by Melody Jacob

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If you are going into a situation potentially with a vendor that isn’t offering you a contract then it’s not great

Get it right, get it in writing

If you are in the midst of hiring vendors now or have had issues with vendors before, this is an episode you don’t want to miss. While answering the question about the ruined dress, Aleisha recalls a previous episode of the Bridechilla podcast with a guest who is a wedding lawyer. She recaps some of the great information discussed on that episode. When dealing with vendors, it is critical to get things in writing. Vendors should provide written contracts, but if they don’t you can create one. Listen to this episode to hear Aleisha’s advice about how to make sure you are treated fairly and get the service you deserve.

We can’t make our parents. They made us. But that doesn’t mean that we as children have to go along with all the shit that they sometimes pull

Photo by Alasdair Elmes 

Wedding planning with parents

Involving parents in your wedding planning can be both a blessing and a curse. While they can be a source of support and encouragement, they can also be opinionated or demanding. Everyone’s relationship with their parents is different. Bridechilla Claire asks how to deal with her dad who is not respecting her wishes for her wedding. How do you handle a parent who is imposing his will on the wedding? Aleisha suggests that, because you know your relatives and parents well, you can judge whether or not they will behave on the wedding day or if the should be left out of the ceremony. She also encourages Bridechillas to consider the parent’s perspective as well and how they have probably dreamed about your wedding for longer than you have. She gives advice for how to acknowledge that reality while still maintaining your plans. Hear all about that and much more on the Bridechilla podcast.

Show Highlights

  • [0:27] Introduction of the Bridechilla podcast, this question and answer episode episode and the upcoming 5 year anniversary.

  • [3:18] Aleisha thanks everyone for their reviews and tells where you can purchase Bridechilla items. She also explains how you can submit questions for Q&A episodes

  • [4:28] Bridechilla Erin talks about how she and her fiance are planning their nontraditional wedding and how they are going to handle not having her parents at the wedding

  • [6:44] Erin tells a story about a wedding she was at recently where a groom got really drunk and, during the garter toss, spent a really long time under the brides dress.

  • [9:41] Kate asks an urgent question about her wedding dress that was ruined by alterations three weeks prior to her wedding day.

  • [11:32] Aliesha gives advice for how to handle a vendor when they don’t fulfill their obligation for the wedding.

  • [13:16] What to do if you are dealing with a vendor that isn’t giving you a contract.

  • [26:27] How to deal with a parent who is making the wedding day about him and not respecting the brides wishes.

Listen to episode 375 of The Bridechilla Podcast

With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Show image by  Mark Zamora

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372- Bridechilla Wedding Planning Q&A

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

If you have questions about planning your wedding and are looking for some great advice and a lot of fun, then be sure to listen to this episode of the Bridechilla podcast. Aleisha catches up on her voicemail by answering questions left by members of the bridechilla community. The Bridechilla podcast doesn’t just talk about flower colors or types of dresses. We talk about the serious, sometimes difficult side of planning a wedding that can affect real life and close relationships. During this podcast, Aleisha addresses the issue of taking your partner’s last name, breaking off an engagement, dealing with a double-booked venue and even how to handle citizenship issues when planning your wedding.

Listen to episode 372 of Bridechilla

Bride and groom posing next to a combi van

Photo by Jessica Rockowitz

HI, my name is...

The Bridechilla community knows that no tradition should be blindly accepted. If the tradition serves a purpose in your wedding, then by all means use it. But there is no obligation to follow particular customs without consideration or reasoning. One such tradition is taking your partner’s last name. Bridechilla Kelsey is not taking her partner’s last name and wants to know how to deal with family members and friends who assume that she is. Aleisha also helps Kelsey and the Bridechilla community consider how to handle the family name for when they have children.

We are in a time where we have so many options, there is flexibility. It is not taboo to not take your partner’s name when it comes to getting hitched.
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Do you double down if they double book?

Brianna called Aleisha to find out what to do about her wedding venue. After booking two rooms at the same venue for both the ceremony and reception and paying a downpayment, Brianna received word that the venue had double booked and wants to cancel one of the rooms. To complicate matters, Brianna and her fiance both work at the venue. During this question and answer, Aleisha gives advice for how to deal with conflict and how to handle complications when planning your wedding.

Bride on the beach

Photo by Anna Utochkina 

There is no shame in moving on

Before marrying Rich, Aleisha was engaged to another man. To cope with calling off the first wedding, Aleisha did a stand up comedy routine that ultimately led to the start of Bridechilla. When Bridechillas Tori and Rach both have questions about how to move on with their wedding planning after having ended a previous engagement to another man, Aleisha is able to give first-hand advice. There can be shame and guilt that accompanies difficult breakups. Nothing should keep you from moving on and finding happiness in another relationship.

I think we need to embrace these ups and downs and not feel the shame attached to them because that doesn’t get you anywhere.

Finding happiness in your wedding planning

The goal of wedding planning is to decide what you want and what makes you happy and then do it. Wedding planning can reveal a lot about your life and priorities. While planning her wedding, El discovered that she is missing close relationships with friends. She is struggling to decide who to invite to be her bridesmaids and asks Aleisha for advice. Listen as Aleisha encourages El and reminds the Bridechilla community of how comparison can rob you of satisfaction in your own wedding. Hear all that and much more on this episode of the Bridechilla podcast.

bride wearing a veil

Photo by Rachel Lees

Instead of feeling bad that this is being tainted in some sort of way, see it as a really positive step and a huge milestone in your relationship

Listen to episode 372 of Bridechilla

Show Highlights

  • [1:10] Aleisha introduces this episode, during which she answers questions left on voicemail from the bridechilla community.

  • [3:32] Kelsy’s question is about how to nicely deal with people who criticize her for not taking her partner’s last name. Also how to handle a family name when children come along.

  • [9:04] Bridechilla Becca calls to say thank you to Aleisha for giving her the courage to make the decisions that she wants for her wedding

  • [10:13] Brianna’s venue (which she actually works at) double-booked and is asking them to make a change that they don’t want to. What should she do?

  • [20:57] New-to-Bridechilla Tori wants to know how to announce her engagement after having broken off an unhealthy prior engagement to another guy.  

  • [27:18] Rach wants to know whether she should invite her Mother to her wedding after a rocky relationship.

  • [34:10] El from New Jersey, realized through wedding planning that she doesn’t have the close relationships she wishes she had and wants advice on what to do?

  • [37:28] Laura wants to know how to plan a low-key courthouse wedding prior to their big ceremony in order to help with her Canadian fiance’s citizenship status.

With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Show image by Jonathan Borba 

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Blending faith, culture, and traditions in your wedding with Karen Cinnamon

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

On this episode of the Bridechilla podcast, Karen Cinnamon, founder of SmashingtheGlass.com joins the show to talk about blending faith, culture, and traditions in your wedding. There are many wedding traditions that have their root in religious or cultural customs. They can be deeply meaningful for a couple and their families. However, when you have a couple of differing heritage or you don’t like a particular tradition, planning a wedding can get tricky. How can you honor past traditions while still keeping your unique, individual style? During this podcast, Karen and Aleisha discuss ways to blend both the past and the present so that you can have the wedding you’ve always dreamed of. 

Listen to episode 371 of the Bridechilla Podcast

Ask the right question about traditions

Traditions began because they meant something. Whether it is a religious or cultural custom, they all started with a particular purpose. Overtime, those traditions may or may not hold the value they once did. How do you decide whether or not to include a tradition in your wedding ceremony? How can you handle the expectations of parents or the older generation when planning a wedding with different traditions? Karen suggests that you first must start with answering the question of why. Why do certain traditions exist and why would they be included in your wedding? She also gives advice for how to respect and honor parents or family members while staying true to your wants and desires.

Embrace the fact that there is something different about your wedding or language and translate the elements that are absolutely pivotal for you guests to understand

Consider your wedding guests

Because Karen is Jewish, she understands the importance of certain traditions being included in the wedding ceremony and reception. She also knows that certain traditions may not be familiar to everyone who attends the wedding. If a couple has two different cultures they are including in the ceremony, then it is likely many guests may not be familiar with certain traditions. How can you make your guest feel included? Karen explains the importance of considering the people that are attending your wedding and making sure they understand the significance of why they are included.

Photo by Allef Vinicius 

People want to include both faiths and backgrounds and blend them seamlessly together to create one beautiful ceremony and reception. You know it should seep into every element of the wedding

Make an old tradition new again

Including age old traditions in your wedding doesn’t mean you have to step back in time to have your wedding. You can still incorporate customs while making them fresh and unique to your personality and style. Karen encourages being creative with the inclusion of certain observances in your wedding or reception. Her website, SmashingtheGlass.com is dedicated to providing ideas for how to include traditions in an original way.

Photo by Allef Vinicius 

Try to include everything that you believe in as a couple and leave out anything that you don’t understand or agree with.

Embrace blending faith, culture, and traditions in your wedding

Trying to include different traditions in your wedding while also expressing your individuality can be difficult. However, it doesn’t have to be. The key is to remember that your wedding is all about what you and your partner want. Avoid the trap of allowing family, friends, or others expectations to influence your decision making. Instead, decide as a couple what is most important and tet that guide your planning. Karen urges couples to embrace the opportunity for blending faith, culture, and traditions in your wedding. Listen to this episode for more advice on how to do that and much more.

State something as a fact rather than ask for an opinion and that way you tend to be met with respect.

Listen to episode 371 of the Bridechilla Podcast

Show Highlights

  • [0:44] Aleisha introduces Karen Cinnamon, found of SmashingtheGlass.com, a platform dedicated to helping couples incorporate their Jewish faith into their wedding. 

  • [3:18] Karen explains why and how she started Smashing the Glass for both other Jewish couples and those with interfaith relationships.

  • [5:45] How do you deal with your parents or generation when attempting to include different traditions into the wedding.

  • [8:27] When thinking about including traditions, it is important to pause, think, and ask “why”. Include only that which is important as a couple.

  • [10:30] How having multiple ceremonies can allow you to celebrate all of the traditions that are meaningful to you.

  • [19:58] When you have a bilingual couple, how do you incorporate different languages without it being restrictive.

  • [22:38] Karen shares how she blended her creativity with the tradition of her Jewish faith in her own wedding.

  • [28:08] How the Smashing the Glass community helps brides plan their weddings and how she keeps it supportive and encouraging.

  • [33:50] The overwhelm and emotion of decision making and how the new landscape of culture makes wedding planning stressful.

  • [38:54] Embracing the fusion of cultures and heritages in an interfaith wedding.

Meet Karen Cinnamon

Karen Cinnamon is the founder and editor of the world’s foremost Jewish wedding planning blog, SmashingtheGlass.com. After planning her own wedding in 2013 and discovering that there wasn’t one space dedicated to creative and original ideas for planning a Jewish wedding, Karen decided to fill the void by starting her own platform. Her job is now to help soon to be brides and grooms incorporate their Jewish faith into their wedding ceremony and beyond. 

Join Karen's Community!

Brides Club is the place to be for all the ‘Can’t Plan Without’ Jewish and interfaith Jew-ish wedding resources, support, straight-talking advice and handpicked discounts you need to ensure you have an unforgettable Jewish (or Jew-ish) wedding, whilst keeping everyone around you ‘on-side’.

For just $25 (or £19) a month you’ll receive weekly live Q&A wedding clinics with Karen, live masterclasses with trusted wedding experts, plus access to Karen's tried-and-trusted, verified vendor network, 100’s of exclusive handpicked discounts, ‘What I Wish I’d Known’ interviews with Just-Married Brides, her ‘can’t-plan-without’ library of Jewish wedding checklists and resources (worth $197) and the emergency bridal hotline direct to Karen.
Karen is offering a 30 day free trial to Bridechillas and Groomchillas! Hurrah!

With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Show image by  Jonathan Borba

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314- Outrageous Wedding related Opinions

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Inspired by a very popular thread in the Bridechilla Facebook community, today’s episode features some of the most bizarre and hilarious opinions that have been shared with our fellow Bridechillas from family and friends during their wedding planning process.
I’m guessing most of the people whose quotes are featured are from mother or mothers-in-law's! Either way, l will guarantee you that hearing other people’s stories of opinions, will help you expel some frustration and relief that your family may be just as cray as everyone else’s.

Listen to episode 314 of Bridechilla

Show image by Tanja Heffner

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300- Best Of Bridechilla- Don’t Plan a wedding, plan a lifetime

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Weddings and parties are great but as today’s guest, Shawn Miller says ‘what good is an amazing wedding without an amazing marriage to back it up?’.
I love talking about all of the details about weddings but hopefully by now you have also become aware that the Bridechilla Podcast is all about focusing on relationships and communication- all the stuff that is emotionally connected to planning a wedding and beyond.

My guest, Shawn Miller (along with his wife Erica) is the founder of Young Hip & Married—he also happens to be one of their officiants and is a qualified life coach.

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE

As well has marrying people, Shawn and Erica run relationship and pre-marital coaching programs that help couples discover the strengths in their relationship and discover how to get the most out of them. In their own words, they are..

 on a mission to eradicate dull and boring wedding ceremonies from the face of the planet and to help couples create a sweet lifelong union that gets better with age. If every couple is different then why have we all been to the same boring ceremony so many times? Young Hip & Married will marry you YOUR way—creative and personalized ceremonies are our specialty.

We don’t just want you to have an amazing personal ceremony, we also want your marriage to be fun and exciting and to last forever. Our relationship coaching is designed to equip couples with the necessary knowledge, resources, and skills to not just stay married, but also love the journey. Your marriage is one of the most important relationships you’ll ever have—let us help you start off strong and thrive for life.

Most people spend more time training for the job than they do for their marriage and I know that this episode will encourage you to invest some time into the success of your marriage by dedicating time and energy to not just wedding planning but also your relationship and the future.


Be sure to pay a visit to the Young Hip & Married homepage and Blog.

​Also they're very social, so hit up their accounts below!

Twitter
Instagram
Facebook

Photo by Everton Vila 

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291- Wedding Planning Q&A and Wedding Lighting

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

A jam packed Bridechilla Wedding Podcast thing week, with wedding planning Q&A, where I answer you questions and in the second half of the show I bring you an interview with lighting expert Kevin Dennis to drop some serious knowledge about the power of lighting and how good lighting can change a venue for the better. You don’t have to spend a big bunch of your budget on making it happen but you would be surprised as to how lighting can hide or attract attention (in a good way) to a boring wall or even replace other decor like flowers.

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE

Top Trends in Event Lighting

By Kevin Dennis, Fantasy Sound Event Services

Specialty lighting can transform an event space like nothing else, and over the last decade, smart couples have become more familiar with the difference it makes as part of their overall wedding design. It is now common to include professional lighting in your wish list of design services. So, what’s hot in event lighting today?

When it comes to illuminating a space, there are plenty of options. Traditional candles and lanterns remain staples of today’s weddings, but we’re now seeing more unique pieces added to event spaces. Marquee lights, for example, and elaborately lit backdrops are both very hot at the moment.

“Industrial glam” is a huge style right now, with heavy metals and modern shapes boldly taking the wedding industry by storm. Accents of tin, iron and other metallic textures like huge iron chandeliers have been increasingly popular this year.

Chandeliers in general are on-trend, as is all hanging décor. The former aren’t new to weddings – we’ve seen chandeliers in ballrooms and tents for ages, but now they are being incorporated into elaborate hanging scenes and decorated with greenery, flowers, and even hanging candles. Crystals are a popular choice which causes the chandelier light, along with spotlights for extra emphasis, to shimmer all over a room creating a magical effect.

Many designers are mixing and matching chandeliers right now for a more eclectic feel. You can choose different sizes and styles to make a space look completely unique. There are also other forms of hanging lighting that can take the place of chandeliers, like Edison bulbs, which offer a simpler, yet still romantic ambience to any venue.

Gobo washes have been popular for years, but their sometimes complicated patterns, like autumn leaves and winter snowflakes, can be distracting. We’ll see them less and less in the next few seasons as “simple” design rises to all-time popularity. If you particularly like the look of gobo pattern washes, but want to prevent them from taking over your room, consider having them projected against the ceiling of your space, which has an impact, but doesn’t create a major distraction.

Looking forward to 2018, it looks like hanging décor will continue to take off. Designers will suspend anything for you – floral pieces, umbrellas, whole garden scenes, you name it. The lighting component takes a back seat in these designs, but they still require professional spotlights to draw attention where you want your guests to focus their gaze.

The simple and classic look will also remain popular in 2018, in place of gaudy, avant garde presentations meant to shock the system. Décor is bound to look more like it is “meant to be” in a venue than included for attention’s sake.

We definitely recommend looking into professional lighting for your upcoming wedding. It is incredible how just the addition of uplighting, spotlighting and a variety of lighting fixtures can truly transform a space into something totally your own.

Kevin Dennis is the editor of WeddingIQ and owner of Fantasy Sound Event Services, a full-service event company based in Livermore, California. Dennis is the current chapter president for Silicon Valley NACE, and a past national president for WIPA.

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Planning a Second Wedding

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

I’ve got some news for you—not all marriages last. I realize that’s the last thing you want to read on a wedding blog, but it’s reality. Not to diminish the severity of divorces but…shit happens. My first marriage failed.

Much later, after navigating through the newness (i.e. weirdness) of internet dating, I met someone. He was perfect and didn’t require a nickname like the others such as Viking Guy or Knuckledragger. After dating for three years and a proposal with a Ring Pop (yes, that kind), I was engaged. Again. Holy crap!

And now I am planning my second wedding.​

Wedding Advertisements

The very first thing I did after we got engaged was buy a shitload of wedding magazines. You know, because I ‘could’. Most of them are just glossy pages of advertising for ridiculously expensive things I don’t want or need. I’m 48. I have dishes, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, I have more bad news for you—bodies change as you get older. Your metabolism slows down. You have kids. There is no fucking way I can wear a backless dress. Well, I could, but it wouldn’t be pretty. The models are all young and perfectly airbrushed. I look nothing like that—especially now. Speaking of airbrushing, I recently had a makeover at Sephora because I’ve been wearing my make-up the exact same way for at least 15 years. Afterwards, a friend said I looked like “wax figure Molly”. Not good.

The Interwebs

A friend (note: she’s 20 years younger) is getting married soon as well. I asked her how her plans were coming (she’s way ahead of where I should be), where is she getting inspiration (Pinterest, “millions of weddings” she’s been to, wedding websites), how much time is she spending on the internet (So. Much. Time.). Uh oh. I am screwed.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and still haven’t adapted to the digital age or if there’s just too much out there. I’m overwhelmed. For example, Pinterest is crazy. CrAzY! I feel like the wedding decor posts are analogous to airbrushed models— they give me a complex even though I know much of it is fake. Now, I’m pining over peony and hydrangea centerpieces in their perfect, weathered, wooden boxes. Ridiculous.

The hashtag thing is ubiquitous, but I get it. I have a wedding website. I think. I keep losing it and the information that I’m supposedly storing there. There’s an app that goes with it which is completely different than the website. But I’m pretty sure wedding guests can post pictures with a specific hashtag via the app. Or is the website? Crap. I don’t know! #fail #siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Money

My first/pretend/starter wedding was in Vegas. So my fiancé said he wanted me to have a “real” wedding this time- something that I can plan, something that is all mine. Well, that’s very sweet of him, but we have bills. Lots of them: child support, credit cards, medical bills, leases. We can’t rely on our parents for this one.

There’s a wedding planning website that lets you delete things that you won’t have/don’t need at your wedding. Seems like I’ve pretty much deleted everything: no photographer, no DJ, no bouquet, no flower girl (or flower grandmas- wtf?), no favors, no paper invitations, no limo, no honeymoon (for now). But there is some rationale for the deletions. I figure everyone has cameras now and I have friends who are seasoned photographers, so why would I pay $$$ to hire one? With how easy Ipads are to play music, why don’t we just do that? Do any wedding guests give a crap about favors? Digital invitations seem more environmentally-friendly than paper. I can’t have a bouquet when my disabled daughter is walking me down the aisle (really it will be more like me coercing her down the aisle so I won’t be able to carry anything). Then there’s the whole frugality thing. 

Editor's Note: Check out more money saving ideas from our Bridechilla Community!​

Speaking of frugality, I have to admit that I’ve been watching “Say Yes to the Dress”. I can’t imagine having an unlimited budget for a dress. I pretend that I’m proud that my first wedding dress cost $40, but really I wish I could have purchased the dress that I truly wanted. Not that I wanted a traditional, white, poofy thing. (No offense to those of you that do.) Now, 20 years later, I still don’t want a traditional dress, but I wish I had the budget for something spectacular. Did I mention that no credit cards will be used?

Now vs. Then

Spanx was not around 20 years ago for my first wedding. I wore some thick-ass, all panty-line showing contraption. It was truly awful. I took it off half way through the reception. I’m kind of excited about trying Spanx now even though I wish I didn’t feel like I needed it. Which brings me to social media and reality TV. I feel bad for young women whose role models are, shall we say, prevalent in the social media/reality TV world. Women who promote materialism and vanity are not good role models. I’m a professor and I can see how many of my students try to emulate these women. Once in a while I try to knock a little sense into them, but I’m sure they just roll their eyes and put on some more highlighter/contour/whatever.

The biggest difference between now and then is that my fiancé and I have kids. I have one. My fiancé has three(!). When you have children your life changes. For most of us, we become less self-centered because our focus is on our kids. So maybe that’s another reason why I don’t feel the need to have some elaborate, over-the-top wedding.

Traditions

My fiancé is rightfully confused about the wedding traditions I want to keep and ones I want to eliminate. I actually want to wear a nice dress—just not one that is white and poofy. I want to walk down an aisle--with my daughter. I want my closest friends and family to be there- just not all of them. I want a beautiful ring that I pick out. I want to wear something old, new, borrowed, and blue. I didn’t do that at my last wedding and my marriage failed. I’m sure that was the reason.

I know some of you are thinking that I sound really jaded and why even have a wedding? Well, I sincerely believe that a wedding and a marriage are the ultimate way to tell someone that you love them. Plus…cake!

​

About the Author: Molly Brignall is a professor and physician (ND) in Tacoma, Washington. She is mom to a teen daughter with a rare disease and now has the privilege of serving as the Vice President of the Northwest Rett Syndrome Foundation. Her wedding is August 11, 2018!

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Bridechilla Blog

How to Deflect Negative Feedback And Opinions

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Here's something besides congratulations and questions about when the wedding is going to be, that you will be guaranteed to receive when you get engaged- opinions.

As the very wise saying goes...

Everyone has something to say and no matter how much 'well meaning', or how helpful they think they are being, it can be damn frustrating, especially when you add family relationships and money into the mix.

The opinion givers believe that by telling you just how much their idea is worth considering, even when you are confident with your choices, that you will suddenly change your plans or realise what a genius they. When their opinion is also attached to money (e.g, they are what I like to call wedding donors) it can make it pretty hard to ignore, or deflect at best.

Bridechilla Jess: OMG my mom wants flowers at every turn! I'm like if you want to spend $800 on flowers have at it. I'll carry them but know I think this is ridiculous. Then we are planning my bridal shower, and she now wants to have little flowers there as centrepieces. I'm like, why do we need centrepieces?

Sometimes these opinions are offered because they truly believe they know better than you, other times, it can come back to fear of not understanding new traditions (or ditching old ones). If you are going off the book with your plans and they're worried about how it will affect them.

Bridechilla Georgia: FMIL was trying to show me cake designs and make me choose flavours two weeks after the engagement. We had nine months to go at that point, and had only just picked the venue!

Things to remember about Parents -even if your parents are 'cool'

  • In the 'olden days', the 70s and 80s it was still pretty common for parents to be hands-on with their kid's wedding and fund it.
  • Their parents, your grandparents probably paid for their wedding and 'managed a lot of details' including inviting a bunch of their friends because that was the done thing.
  • Ditching some of the formality, Pinterest, doughnut walls and dudes as bridesmaids are probably new concepts to them and challenge the way that they see weddings as a whole.
Bridechilla Tamara: My future Mother-in-law (whom I normally adore) just last week had a panic attack about the hotel block. It was the first family freaking us out issue we've had so far.
I showed her a review site for the hotel we had decided on. She called me an hour later because out of 600+ reviews and a 4.8 star rating, one review from 4 years ago said they saw a cockroach. She read every single review! Said that "absolutely no one in her family would even consider it". Since her family are the ones coming from up north, I got kind of worried about it. My Fiancé sent his aunts and uncles the same link and every single one thought it was "perfect". So, crisis averted? His mom is still worried.
Bridechilla Jessica :
-It's apparently rude to have my bridesmaids pick their own dresses even though I gave them a color and length and a website?
-I should have thought about a major music festival coming to town before I scheduled my wedding because now all the "nice" hotels are booked. (Aka the ones downtown, the ones close to my venue aren't booked, but those aren't "nice" enough.)
-People aren't going to know the order of the day without programs! (Ceremony, cocktail hour, party. Very simple.)
-My MIL is afraid people will judge me because I'm not having real flowers.That's just so far. Lol

So how do you deal with these unwanted opinions or nosey-ness without being a jerk?

One of my favorite unnecessary/unwanted opinion slaying sayings comes from Oprah, OF COURSE!

I love it because it yet again reminded me how relatable and bloody great that lady is and also the simplicity and power of the phrase that has a tinge of finality about it and also isn't rude.

You ready?

'That's not going to work for me.'

What I love about this saying is that is direct but polite. The opinion giver doesn't have a lot of recourse to come back from it.If you want to soften the blow, you can add a 'thanks so much for thinking of me/us. That's a good idea, but it's not going to work for us...'. That way their opinion has been heard, but they aren't under the impression that you are going to change your plans or follow their course of action.

Stephanie Miller:
As a wedding photographer, here are some of the meltdowns I've seen:
-The state of the grooms/men's pocket square.-The cadence/even spacing of steps down the aisle, to match the music.
-There's no playground for the kids to play on.-The venue parking lot is a dirt lot. This will get everyone dirty. No one will come.
-If they see each other before the wedding, the couple won't have anything to be excited about during the wedding.
-The mother in law is suddenly aware she gained some weight. This is the ruin of the entire wedding.

I find it interesting that the running theme in a lot of these comments is that parents and in-laws are worried that they will be 'judged' for your decisions, probably more so than the decision themselves. 
It's a very generational move and thought process.

In short, they're just going to have to get over it.​ This is your day/weekend/month. 
It can be hard finding a way to tell those around you that your decisions are final, that you know best and that their opinion is important to you but is not the driving force of all of your wedding decisions. 

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6 Lessons I Learned while Planning our Wedding

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

For most of my life I had felt the need to reason with people to help them get on board with my decisions. I had been doing it for everything: from my style to my parenting, and now – our wedding. I had just finished explaining my bridesmaid choices to an angry friend (we'll discuss that in another blog, perhaps) when I began to question why I was explaining myself. I consider myself a pretty chill person, but planning a wedding really put that to the test. I learned a few things along the way...  Here are my six wedding planning lessons.

​1. Nothing can prepare you for what you feel in the moment of a proposal.

We talked about getting married for a year. We would get married on our anniversary (one date to remember?! Score!!), we knew if it was going to be big or small (small. I don't even think I know 200 people). We discussed every detail. When Mark, my now husband, sat next to me and pulled out the ring I was speechless. It took my breath away and I remember crying and hugging him so much that he had to remind me that I never actually answered the question!

2. Your relationship style will be your wedding planning style.

Let's face it; if you don't collaborate on things like birthday parties don't expect to collaborate on the wedding. If you're the planner in the duo ask your partner what's important to them and carry out those wishes but demanding that they help will only lead to unnecessary fights.

3. You will get tons of unsolicited opinions and advice.

It's unavoidable unless you hide being engaged.

4. “Your wedding is for the guests” is a bit misguided, but also true.

You don't have to have a wedding in order to get married, so when people tell you that “your wedding isn't for you; it's for the guests” they are correct, sort of. The wedding is for the guests to share in your joy and celebrate your union. It does not mean that you have to make decisions that will please them. You have every right to tell people 'no' and plan a wedding that will make you and your partner happy and reflect that happiness out to your loved ones.

5. Everything and nothing will change after getting married.

You will constantly hear “how's married life treatin' ya?!” and you will get sick of it because the answer is the same. Fine. Your relationship is the same one you had yesterday only now you both wear rings. We were together 5 years before getting married. Our life together was awesome (which is why we chose to get married) and it's still awesome!!! Practical things will change, like last names and better dishes (our mismatched plates were jacked. up.)

6. Weddings are not perfect but memories are.

The groom's cake my aunt ordered was never made. The DJ showed up late (15 minutes before ceremony), my grandmother refused to attend, and several guests went from an RSVP to no-shows. But when asked how the day went I still replied, “it was perfect.” By the day of the wedding all I cared about was getting down the aisle to say, “I do.” I even told my father to walk faster because I just wanted to get there already!

About the Author: Joy Connelly is from Baltimore, MD. She works full time in academia and is currently trying to survive being the parent of a teenage girl.

Photos in this post are ©Bidlack Photography

Vendor List: Photography by Bidlack Photography / Venue & Catering by Whitehouse Caterers at Overhills Mansion / Cake by Sugarbakers / Hair by Patrick's Hair Design / Makeup by Anna DeMeo / Bridal gown by Hayley Paige from Garnish Boutique | Groom's Suit from Joseph A. Bank | Parasols from ShopPlasticland.com

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