Listen to Episode 336 of the Bridechilla Podcast
Here’s what you’re overthinking (and shouldn’t) and what you should be considering instead
Meghan Ely, OFD Consulting
Weddings are simply not what they were 5, even 10, years ago (except for mason jars- those just don’t seem to go away!). These days, it’s all about the couples’ comfort, and rarely does anyone turn their nose up anymore at breaking tradition or going rogue when it comes to the smaller details.
That being said, have you ever witnessed a friend overreact over a detail that you would never lose sleep over, or vice versa? Each couple is different when it comes to how they want to spend their big day, but these pros are weighing in on the reality of what to worry about – including when you might need a reality check.
Photo by Gades Photography
What you’re overthinking
Again, it’s a different cup of tea for everyone that chooses to prioritize certain elements over others, but this is for those that may not see the bigger picture. Joan Wyndrum of Blooms by the Box says this is true in the case of trying to match exact colors across the board.
“Whether it’s the bridesmaid dresses, table linens or invitations, trying to match them to your flowers will prove frustrating and futile due to the natural color variation in flowers. Color variation is what makes flowers beautiful!”
The thought of your wedding timeline might be enough to send you into a panic, or have you reaching for the nearest bottle of wine. Paulette Alkire of Chalet View Lodge shuts down that common fear, saying,
“As soon as couples begin the planning process, they stress about making every decision right away. My advice is to take a step back. Look at the big picture. What are the most important aspects of planning to tackle? Which ones are most time-sensitive?”
She heavily recommends mapping out a budget first, then securing details second. You’ll be thankful you kept yourself in check – there’s no strict time constraint on when you have to get married.
As Kevin Dennis of Fantasy Sound Event Services likes to say, we’re in the era of ‘Pinterest Prejudice.’ There’s a very high standard that we hold ourselves to, and it can create a lot of self-inflicted pressure.
“We do our best to recreate a couple’s vision within their budget and logistics, but many times our couples worry that it won’t look exactly the same and the guests will know. When in reality, the guests have never seen the inspiration photo and will be blown away by any type of lighting and decor that’s present. They don’t know that their inspiration photo was 100 Edison lights but the couple only could afford 20 – they’ll just see the 20 and love them!”
Megan Velez of Destination Weddings Travel Group agrees.
“Many people envision their wedding and can’t deviate from that vision when the big day comes, no matter how trivial the detail. Couples tend to think every detail (including the smallest ones) are all of equal weight and importance. But the fact is, they’re not!”
Photo by Elizeu Dias
What you’re not thinking enough about
It’s easy to get lost in the details that you’ve been compiling over the years, especially the visual aspects that make this day your dream wedding. However, if any number of horror stories don’t convince you, then we will. It takes only one misstep to bring your big day from luxurious to lackluster.
Brittny Drye of Love Inc. says that logistics reign supreme.
“Timelines aren’t the sexiest thing to talk about when it comes to weddings, but they’re the foundation to running a smooth operation day-of. If you haven’t hired a planner, be sure your venue has a coordinator or put a trusted loved one in charge with specific instructions.”
Rest assured that guests don’t forget easily when a detail goes awry.
“People remember experiences. The quality of the food, the band, and whether or not everything was easily understood and manageable. Did they have fun? Was the transportation timely?”
Photo by Gades Photography
Think about your priorities
Emily Sullivan, owner of Emily Sullivan Events says of these key points. Make sure you’re concise and prompt, and always prioritize the food and entertainment.
No matter your budget or imagination, your wedding day can’t succeed without a great staff. Lauren Lemke, lead planner at Amy Abbott Events says support is key to pulling an event off seamlessly.
“Most couples go to events and see the end product with the tables all set and the music playing. They don’t realize the amount of labor and prep that goes into creating the perfect atmosphere. Tables and chairs need to be moved in and set, food needs to be prepped, lights need to be hung, sound systems placed. A wedding can be a major production.”
Let’s face it, there’s no real right or wrong to planning a wedding, despite what we’ve been engrained to think by scrolling through picture-perfect Instagram nuptials. However, what you pay attention to really matters, and most of your stress boils down to not prioritizing the proper details. Think about your wedding as if you were an attending guest, and pace yourself! Remember the real reason why you’re getting married and ditch the idea of perfection.
Meghan Ely is the owner of wedding PR and wedding marketing firm OFD Consulting. Ely is a sought-after speaker, adjunct professor in the field of public relations, and a self-professed royal wedding enthusiast.
The fuck it bucket is where you put all of the jobs and things and things to buy you thought you would get around to doing before your wedding but have run out of time or care. These items are tasks are things you thought would be important at the early stages of planning but now…bye!
The fuck it bucket is back in this brand new episode of Bridechilla, this time I asked our Bridechilla Directory members to share what they recommend their clients to put in the fuck it bucket. This episode is a great follow up to the original and will give you lots more to think about when it comes to what is important to you! Listen to the episode and be sure to check out our vendor tips in the blog.
Listen to episode 322 of Bridechilla
Start with putting everything in the bucket!
I think you should throw literally everything directly in the Fuck it Bucket for starters, and then, sit down with your partner and decide what kind of wedding you want to have. Only after you’ve figured that out, dig through the Fuck it Bucket and pull out just the things that apply to you and leave everything else, and everyone else’s expectations, right there in the bucket.
Aisle Less Traveled– Cindy Savage
Image By Sharma Shari
Swap favors for charity
More and more of my couples are deciding to not waste the money on the favors. They’re already throwing this amazing party for their family and friends. So the two things that I’ve seen is either they don’t do anything or they do something edible, right, that you can take and just not clutter or anything like that. Or the other thing that I’ve been seeing a lot is they take that money and they donate it. They donate to their favorite charity like soup kitchen or cancer research or whatever it is that’s very important to them.
Last minute DIY
I would love to add last-minute DIY decorations to the Fuck it Bucket. So many of you are stressed as fuck with getting the last-minute crafts done, burning your fingers with hot glue, and crying over your crafts. My recommendation is to not do that. Make a list of your must-haves and your list of “If it happens, it happens.” Prioritize that shit, and let it go. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.Also, don’t do any crafts the morning of your wedding. Just don’t.
Trash programs and printed goods
one more thing you can add to the fuck-it bucket, in our opinion, would have to be the programs.Because in all honesty, people just leave them on their seats after the ceremony, and generally, you’d have some much of them left unused, that’s it’s just wasteful. Most people won’t need it, because the date-of coordinator would guide the guests to where they need to be, and at the right time. Also, people might be looking at the schedule instead of the couple. And like the saying goes, you should not anticipate, you should participate.
Jon Warlick Media– Wedding Film
Listen to the original FIB episode
Image by Kivus and Camera
Deflect other people’s opinions
It’s definitely important that you want your friends and family to have a good time, and that’s really what we look for in our couples, are people who want to have a lot of fun in their weddings. But don’t let your friends and family dictate your wedding planning process.
At the end of the day, the wedding is about the two of you and your love, so you really should be doing things that reflect what you value in life, and what you value in one another. Maybe that means you’re incorporating something that 99% of people would never consider, or maybe it means you’re cutting out something that everybody else does. And that’s awesome because that’s what makes the wedding yours. Don’t just do something because you saw it on Pinterest, or because your mom wants you to do it. Don’t worry about what other people think. If it doesn’t suit your personalities, then fuck it.
Don’t blindly follow traditions
if a client were to ask me what thing should I chuck out, what things should I not worry about, I would have to say that’s tradition. While traditions can be super beautiful and amazing and can really help you personalize your day, it can also alienate you from your wedding day because they don’t represent you. Like, walking with your dad down the aisle, or having somebody say readings at your ceremony, saying speeches, doing the first dance first, doing the ceremony before the reception. There’s all these traditions and rules and regulations that are seen as commonplace in the wedding day.
I feel like those are the things we need to chuck, or at least those are the things we need to analyze a little bit more closely, and then, ask yourself, why am I doing this? Are you doing it because it’s tradition? Are you doing it because you couldn’t imagine your wedding day without it? Are you doing it because there’s familiar pressure on that specific tradition? You got to stop and ask yourself why you’re doing these things that everyone is doing. While it’s not bad to do it, we just need to put in under a magnifying glass and just really make sure that it’s who we are.
When working with our couples as well, whether it’s partial planner or day of coordination, we make sure that we ask them about all the traditions and see what traditions are important to them. But if they’re like, “Oh, I haven’t even thought about it,” and we’re a month out from their wedding, it’s like, “Well, is it important to you? Is this something that you need? Because it’s good to know that it exists, but if you don’t need it, let’s just toss it.” Being able to make informed decisions about which traditions you’re tossing, is very empowering.
ThistleBEA your wedding – DIY wedding planning
Image by Leanne Sim
Ditch the idea that it’s the ‘brides day’
The thing I would like you to all throw in the Fuck it Bucket, and this might be a hard one for you, for some of you at least, is the idea that it is just the “bride’s day”. I put that in quotes because you get married and that takes two people. In some weddings, there is no bride, and some women don’t feel like brides, and on and on and on. There’s plenty of reasons why there might not be a bride per se.
But that idea also is harmful to us just in the sense that by putting it all on the bride and making it all about the bride, we’re also putting all of the emotional labor and all of the decisions and all the pressure on the bride. So, yes, when people say, “Oh, it’s your day,” they are celebrating you, but also it’s reinforcing this gender stereotype that women care about pretty, frilly things, and that women are going to be doing the bulk of the wedding planning and that they should be doing that, when really wedding planning should be a thing that is taken on as a partnership.
So set yourself up for really strong partnership by splitting the work, splitting the decisions, and really making this wedding not just about you, but about your partner as well in equal measure. Call your vendors out. If you see them referring to it as the bride’s day, or if they refer to “their brides” instead of “their couples” when talking about other couples they work with, just be aware of this. Let’s help and kind of move this industry in a more egalitarian direction.
Image by Edit Vasadi
The first thing that could go in your FIB is any type of setup that you wouldn’t have for the sake of having perfect pictures taken. A lot of times, photographers want you to move to a certain area or do certain things, just so the picture is going to look perfect.
I know that I’m talking against myself because I’m going to make my job harder. I just feel like once somebody starts to direct you, you are going to get out of that moment, out of that emotional feeling of, “Okay, I’m getting married. I’m putting my wedding dress on. The time is finally here.” You switch your mindset thinking of, “Oh, this is actually a photo shoot.”
I think photos are for you to remember that day. You’re not photographing for a magazine. You’re photographing so you are documenting the wedding. When you have kids and you want to talk to them about the wedding and you’re going to look at that photo, you can now remember of that moment as why that was meaningful to you, not because, “Oh, the photographer just told me to step out in front of the building because it’s prettier.”
Put feature film length videography in the FIB
Not everyone is going to sit through and watch their hour-long full ceremony. We believe that having the key best parts of the ceremony wrapped up within the highlight, which we also provide, is probably what you’re going to want to watch. Especially if it’s like a Catholic wedding, you probably don’t need to see what the First and Second Readings were and the Gospel and the Homily and all this that it’s just like a normal Mass.
Really, the highlight is that it’s an emotionally-driven piece that should capture what you really care about, and your wedding video appreciates over time. We hope that the first time you sit down and watch it is going to be an experience in itself, you know, cozying up on the couch with a glass of wine and your partner. But then, 10 years down the line, that’s when it becomes real special. You get to see the people that were there who have changed, that are no longer around so it’s great to create a shorter more succinct video that captures the essence of the day.
Image by Autumn Harrison Photography
The Guest Book
The tradition I would like to trash is the guestbook. I had a guestbook for my wedding, a traditional guestbook, and it lived on my bookshelf for about a year. Then, we moved, and it went into a box. Five years since that move, it’s still in that box. So my suggestion, either trash it completely, put that guestbook in your Fuck it Bucket. Or, if you really want guests to sign something, choose something that you would want out in your home anyway. A piece of art, a quilt, a game, something you would have in your home, whether it had signatures on it or not. It’ll just make that item more meaningful. But having a book that has nothing in it but signatures, like you went to Disney World to get autographs from Mickey and Minnie? No. Fuck it Bucket.
Ditch traditional Ceremonies
As far as ceremonies go, I’m a big believer in putting tradition in the Fuck it Bucket. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a beautiful and meaningful ceremony. It means that you should have a ceremony that reflects the two of you. If you want to include a unity ritual, you don’t have to do the unity candle. Do it if you like it, but I’ve had couples include all sorts of unique alternatives. I’ve had two brides who mixed a cocktail during the ceremony. They were recreating the love potion they drank on the night they met.
Another couple did a community blessing ritual where guests were given little packets of Legos and asked to make a wish while holding the packets. The Legos were collected and the couple later used them to build the Lego beach house. I’ve also had couples who did a tree planting, sipped beer, ate cookies, and even shared pancakes. Bottom line, if something isn’t meaningful to you, don’t do it just because you’re supposed to. It’s your wedding. You’re not supposed to do anything except marry the person you love. So dump the traditions you don’t like, and have a little fun.
Thanks to our Bridechilla Partners
Holly and Susannah are the award-winning creative duo behind Revelry Events – London-based wedding planners who love rulebook-free weddings and in this episode of the Bridechilla Podcast, they join me to bust some common wedding planning myths!We cover everything from the myth that vendors are all out to rinse you of your hard earned cash to hiring friends and suppliers and the pressure of all of the cliches on the ‘have to’ list like cake cutting okay throwing confetti and the average cost of weddings. Holly and Susannah are full of energy and information and I guarantee that you will learn and have plenty of things to put in the fuck it bucket by the end of this episode.
Listen to episode 290 of Bridechilla
The f*ck it bucket is where you put all of the jobs and things and things to buy you thought you would get around to doing before your wedding but have run out of time or care. These items are tasks are things you thought would be important at the early stages of planning but now…bye!
This episode was inspired by a Reddit thread with couples shared lists of everything they were throwing in their f*ck it bucket. It’s a cathartic exercise will help you just let go and move on and it’s very funny.
It’s not to say that these tasks and items aren’t fun and great if you have them it’s more about allowing yourself to say ‘it doesn’t really matter and no I want notice’.
I’m looking forward to hearing more of your f*ck it bucket experiences make sure you head to our group The Bridechilla Community on Facebook this week to check it out.
Listen to episode 286 of Bridechilla
Here’s a bunch of things that really don’t matter. You can chuck them in the fuck it bucket and move on
Rehearsal Dinner:It’s basically a whole other event and it’s held at peak wedding stress time. If you can’t afford it or do care. Chuck it. The day-after-brunchYou are tired, hungover and the thought of being ‘on again’ exhausts you. Ditch it. Photo boothSilly hats and moustaches don’t maketh a wedding. Can’t be bothered finding all of this stuff. Forget it. Hotel blocksLet people book their own hotel rooms.
Gift bags This isn’t the Oscars. Fuck it.
Bridal Party Gifts…gifts in generalToo many gifts! Next we’ll be getting people a ‘thanks for RSVPing gift’, of wait, that’s the whole freaking wedding
GuestbookAsk any couple how often they read their wedding guest book. 0 Zero fucks.
Engagement picturesUnless these come in a package deal, you don’t need themReception gamesWhatevsCustom cocktailsBooze is booze. They’re fun but a good vodka soda gets me just as excited as a custom jobby
Send offAre we still doing this?
Hand painted SignsI like to look at these on Pinterest but by God, who has the time?
Chair CoversFuck them!Fancy NapkinsIkea make very nice paper napkins in the best patterns and color rangesBoutonnieres and flowers for the mothersIf you aren’t ‘flower people’ ditcheroo
Cake cuttingIf gathering people to watch you cut a cake isn’t on your bucket list, you know which bucket you can put this in.Garter or bouquet tossNo one needs to see a guys head up a ladies skirt, removing a piece of lacy elastic. No one.
Return address stampsThere is no scientific prof that this will make people return RSVPs quicker. Cake serversYou will never use them again. Never. Bridesmaids shoesLet the ladies wear their own shoes or pick shoes they will wear again. Haven’t they suffered enough?
Dance lessonsI think I’m over the surprise, the couple have been doing dance lessons for 6 years routineAny sort of getting ready pyjamas or robesTBH can’t be bothered
Cake toppersI like these, especially the fun ones but I assure you, the wedding will not cease without a cake topper
Bridesmaid invitesJust ask them, with your mouth…voice, you know what I mean
You don’t need personalized ‘Bride’ and ‘Groom’ glassware for your wedding. The wedding dress and suit gives it away.
Do you have things on your fuck it bucket list? I’d love to hear about them! x
The one thing we can’t do, as much as it would be helpful (but perhaps a tad totalitarian and evil) is control other people and how they feel and act. A lot of questions that we receive on the Bridechilla Podcast are about how other people are reacting and communicating during YOUR wedding planning…how their behaviour is making your life unnecessarily stressful. We feel obligation and pressure to make choices that don’t fit with our plans or ‘dreams’. It can be hard.Today on the podcast, Bridechilla Geneva is having trouble with her in-laws who appear to be confused about how they feel about the wedding all together- how long should Geneva and her partner put up with flakiness for and how should they communicate their disappointment to really make sure her in-laws understand how much their actions are troubling them?Bridechilla Brittney is having trouble with an unlucky in love Bridesmaid who seems to be acting out, perhaps deflecting feelings about her own relationship issues and instead taking away from Brittney’s celebrations.After giving her parents and in-laws a 50 people cap on their guest list, Bridechilla Aleigha is finding herself deep in guest list dramas- oh and also her Dad has a new girlfriend, who he’s like to bring as a date to the wedding! FUN.Lastly Bridechilla Taleen wants some advice about asking for cash as a wedding gift. Can you do it in a polite way?
Listen to the episode below
Every second Wednesday I am lucky enough to share an hour with today’s guests Cristina and Kristen.
They are my friends and fellow wedding business ladies. We meet on Skype to share ideas, inspirations and ways to serve our Bridechillas better. I am excited to have both of them on the show together….we joked that we are Bridechilla OGs….Original Gangsta’s of the Bridal business, breaking the rules and smack talking traditions and feeling stressed.In this episode we talk about post engagement stress, the pressure you feel to instantly have all of the answers, when you really just want to feel the joy of being in love (not giving people dates and details). We also talk about money and the challenge that some couples can feel talking about money in new relationships.
Listen to the episode
I loved recording this episode! I hope you enjoy it too….I’m looking forward to our next show together and to hearing your suggestions about what topics that you would like us to cover in our next record. Cristina is the founder of Plan the Day, which Brides Eliminate Wedding Stress by keeping wedding information all in one place.Kristen is the Founder of Love Notery. She is love Storyteller. Personal Documentarian. Wordsmith. Grab her exclusive “Wedding vows that Wow’ workbook