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stress

Bridechilla BlogBridechilla Podcast

396- Avoiding Wedding Planning Burnout

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

This week’s Bridechilla Podcast episode is all about how to avoid wedding planning burnout. We all know what it is like to feel the effects of stress. There is a mental, physical, and emotional toll. Burnout can happen at any stage in life, but wedding planning can be a particularly vulnerable time. Trying to organize and plan an event, the size and scope of which you probably have never done before, while also managing the normal aspects of life is no small task. How can you avoid burnout and enjoy the wedding planning process. Hear some of Aleisha’s tips on this podcast.

There is no right way to do all this stuff.

Listen to the Bridechilla Podcast episode

It’s all about perspective

There is a lot of pressure to have the most amazing wedding ever. The internet is full of picturesque weddings that look incredible and effortless. Many of those pictures are staged and unrealistic. Wedding planning is highly involved, but it shouldn’t be considered the peak of achievement. It is important to keep the wedding in perspective with all of the other responsibilities and accomplishments in your life. This perspective will help you from being overwhelmed and give you the freedom to plan the kind of wedding you want. 

Even if you are not feeling stressed...it’s also good to just be aware of how you’re feeling and to take a little moment to check in and plan for the future when it may very well happen

Photo by Victoria Heath​

What are the symptoms of burnout

Burnout can sneak up on you if you aren’t paying attention. You can continue to push, trying to manage all of your responsibilities without taking the time to care for yourself. However, if you take a moment and assess, you will notice the symptoms of stress and burnout. Aleisha talks about several symptoms of burnout, including what she calls “stress breath”. Listen to this episode to hear other symptoms and how you can identify them in your life. 

The pros and cons of a wedding planning timeline 

One way to avoid wedding planning burnout is to utilize a wedding planning timeline. They can help you prioritize your tasks and make decisions as needed. However, timelines aren’t perfect. Every wedding is different. Timelines are simply tools to be used, and should be adapted to your unique situation. It is ok if you don’t follow the timeline exactly. Listen to this episode to hear the ways timelines can be both helpful and harmful, and how you can use them in a way that reduces stress during wedding planning. 

With wedding planning, something that a lot of us hasn’t done before, you go through this stage where you are like ‘what now? What do i do?

Photo by Jacob Postuma

Wedding planning limbo

During the wedding planning process, there will be a time when you will start to feel overwhelmed. You will feel like you haven’t done enough, or that you don’t know what to do next. Be encouraged that this feeling is normal. Every couple planning a wedding has experienced this. However, when you reach this wedding planning limbo, don’t give in to the stress. Aleisha gives helpful ideas for what to do when you reach this stage of planning. Listen to hear about that and much more on this episode of the Bridechilla podcast. 

Timelines should be something that are helpful to be able to tick off different tasks but you shouldn’t feel like you have to do something at a certain stage because every event is different.

Listen to the Bridechilla Podcast episode

Show Highlights

  • [0:43] Aleisha introduces this episode’s topic, avoiding wedding planning burnout

  • [3:02] Wedding planning isn’t the peak achievement of life and shouldn’t be treated as such

  • [5:05] Burnout can happen quickly, especially when you are planning a wedding while also trying to balance all of the other commitments and obligations you have in everyday life. 

  • [7:14] Aleisha describes the token symptoms of burnout and how she senses it coming.

  • [11:36] How to effectively use a wedding planning timeline without letting them overwhelm you. 

  • [15:38] Streamlining your wedding planning and completing small tasks can help alleviate stress

  • [21:40] The importance of clarity in avoiding burnout

  • [23:08] The stage of engagement when most couples hit burnout in wedding planning.

  • [25:48] How regular should communication with vendors or coordinator happen?

  • [29:54] The physical symptoms of stress and burnout. 

  • [32:03] Aleisha talks about the new group she has set up for the Bridechilla community called Bosschilla. 

  • [34:00] How to get in touch with Aleisha

For me, one of the big symptoms of burnout is physical, feeling tired, feeling puffy and bloated, feeling vague and reactive

With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Show image by mari lezhava​

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365- Decision making made easy

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Decision making overwhelm can hit even the most organised people, especially when it comes to all of the choices that surround wedding planning. From the 'big' decisions, right down the smaller details (that still require thought) can add up and send you into a downward stress cycle. In this episode of Bridechilla, founder, Aleisha shares her best tips for making decisions that are right for you and moving on with your life, so you can enjoy the process!

Whether you are planning a wedding or just living your life day-to-day, there are a multitude of decisions with which you are faced. More than ever before, we are forced to make decisions quickly while processing loads of information. It can quickly lead to confusion, frustration and burnout. During this episode, Aleisha shares 5 tips for how to step back, slow down, and take a better approach to making good decisions.

Listen to episode 365 of Bridechilla

The pros and cons of a pros and cons list

You’ve seen it on movies and tv shows. The lead character is trying to make a decision so she pulls out a pen and a pad and makes a pros and cons list. It may seem silly, but sometimes just taking to time think things through and write them down can be extremely helpful. Writing a pros and con list can help you process the decision and gives you a record to return to if you start to second guess yourself once you’ve made the decision. Listen for the ways to make the pros and con lists and how they can be helpful during this podcast.

Sometimes there are so many options that you don’t even think about sitting down and taking a moment to write this shit down and walk away from it for 20 minutes, an hour, 2 days, and then come back and have a look at the pros and cons again and see what works and what doesn’t.

Photo by Alejandro Escamilla 

The right time for the right decision

Timing is everything. When approaching a difficult conversation, you want to choose a good time to have it. The same is true for making decisions. Times you are hungry, tired, or emotionally drained are not good times to try and make important decisions. Taking a moment to assess the timing both for yourself and your partner or others who might have a say in the decision can help you avoid potential traps or pitfalls that could sabotage good decision making. Hear Aleisha explain more about the importance of good timing in decision making and how you can determine the right time during this episode.

Regret is a trap that I encourage you to not indulge in because if you live with regret and you worry about the consequences of decisions that really don’t matter in the long run it can really weigh you down emotionally.

Not-so-sweet emotion

Making good decisions involves having a clear head. Emotions are a great thing, but sometimes they can cloud our ability to make a good decision. In times where emotions might be heightened, making critical decisions might not be wise or advisable. There are also certain decisions that will appeal to your emotions in a way that prove unhelpful to the decision-making process. Being aware of your current emotional state and the potential impact of a given decision on your emotions is a first step in determining whether or not you should make the decision. It could lead to you either waiting for another time or getting outside advice.

Photo by Christoph Rücker 

Embrace the unknown

As fantastic as it would be, no one can see or predict the future. In all of life, there is the mystery of the unknown. Trying to predict the future only leads to frustration and, sometimes, analysis paralysis. While you can’t control the future, you can control how you handle the present. Aleisha encourages listeners to just do your best, live the best you can and embrace the unknown. Listen to this episode to hear the 5 ways to better decision making and much more on the bridechilla podcast.

Listen to episode 365 of Bridechilla

Show Highlights

  • [0:31] This episode of the Bridechilla podcast focuses on how to make good decisions without feeling pressured or overwhelmed
  • [5:41] Aleisha talks about her approach to decision making and the struggles she deals with in making decisions
  • [9:22] How men and women differ in the way they make decisions.
  • [13:46] How high-power people of influence eliminate stress in decision making.
  • [20:12] How little decisions can be the most overwhelming and how to use a pro/con list to help bring clarity to a decision.
  • [24:35] Think about the emotions attached to a decision and how they might affect your judgement and ability to make a good decision
  • [29:27] Ditch the concept of regret or irrelevant emotions
  • [31:21] Because you can’t see or predict the future, you have to embrace the unknown and do your best.
  • [34:28] Consider writing down the process you are going through while making a decision.

Memorable Quotes

  • “I think our generation is making a lot more decisions a lot more quickly than our parents. We’ve got a lot more information available to us which is great but it can make it really stressful when it comes to making a decision.”
  • “So far I’ve said I want someone to make restaurant and dinner decisions and also someone to tell me what clothes to wear. Just like I need a P.A., a very decisive P.A.
  • “Taking chances is the biggest joy in life.”

With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Photo by Jenni Chen, license CC BY

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Bridechilla BlogBridechilla Podcast

356-Finding Work Wedding Balance

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Guests Michelle and Lucy from Honey Dew are here to help you find a better work/life/wedding balance. Last year they quit their day jobs to launch their business with the aim to help couples ditch the hard slog of wedding research and get them to be the middle ladies in the vendor/client relationship.
They have become the buffer between wedding vendors couples, so that couples can STOP reading through 17 page wedding packets for each vendor they talked to, and just…let Michelle and Lucy screen vendors for them!

Listen to Episode 356 of The Bridechilla Podcast

Finding a Work-Wedding Balance with Lucy and Michelle from Honeydew

Since you can’t just press pause on 6 months of life and work, it is important to find a work-wedding balance when planning your wedding. When you have a full-time job and a life full of responsibilities and activities, it’s difficult to find the time to invest in planning your wedding. On today’s Bridechilla podcast, guests Michelle and Lucy from Honeydew, an online wedding planning service, share how they are helping take the stress out of the wedding planning experience. Hear planning hacks, tips about how to deal with vendors, and how Honeydew can help you.

"A lot of times women become default planners throughout their lives. It’s a role we take on either by choice because willingly we want to or because sometimes we are the only ones left willing to carry that burden."

Who has time to plan a wedding? 

Michelle and Lucy say that it takes 300+ hours to plan a wedding. You have to screen vendors, pick out flowers, book a venue, plan a menu, find a dress and select outfits for the wedding party. And on top of all that, you have to balance the demands of daily life. Wouldn’t it be great to have a personal assistant who could help you with the planning? That’s exactly why Michelle and Lucy started Honeydew. They developed a tech savvy solution that is the go-between for couples and their wedding vendors. Hear more about how they started the company and the value they are bring to Bridechillas everywhere on this week’s podcast. 

How to get creative in your wedding planning

Many times, brides find that the only option to help them plan their wedding is using a traditional wedding planner. Wedding planners know vendors and venues and can help ease the burden of planning. However, sometimes traditional wedding planners can become barriers to creativity. It is becoming increasingly more common to create a unique wedding experience. Sometimes the traditional wedding photographer or florists can’t accomplish what the couple wants. How can you get past the traditional mindset to create a personalized wedding? Listen as Michelle and Lucy share tips for getting past the creative barriers while planning your wedding.  

“No one is going to do a bad job because they resent you for negotiating. Everyone is going to want to do an amazing job so that you refer th​em to your friends and talk highly of them.”

Photo by Emma Matthews

Tips for staying on budget

As we’ve talked about many times on the bridechilla podcast, it is so important to have a budget for your wedding. Whether it’s a shoestring budget or tens of thousands of dollars, knowing your budget will help you prioritize as you plan. Michelle and Lucy stress that you can leverage your budget when dealing with vendors. Knowing your budget gives you negotiating power. And don’t be afraid of hurting a vendors feelings or making them mad. Vendors have markups and can often give discounts in a variety of ways. The key is to always be polite and direct with your desires. Listen to the podcast to hear more tips on negotiating and dealing with vendors from Michelle and Lucy.

Helping Chillas find a work-wedding balance 

Lucy and Michelle started Honeydew because they understood the stress and demands that Bridechillas face. They deal with a lot of high power women who have stressful and time consuming jobs. Add planning a wedding to that lifestyle and it’s a much more difficult challenge. No matter what your job or life circumstance may be, trying to find a work-wedding balance is difficult. Honeydew was created to help ease that burden and help brides and couples be able to fulfill their daily obligations and even find joy in planning their wedding. Hear all about Honeydew and much more on the Bridechilla podcast. 

Photo by rawpixel

Listen to Episode 356 of the Bridechilla Podcast

Meet This Episode’s Guest

After watching their sisters and friends stress about the details of wedding planning, Lucy and Michelle decided to take action. Using their experience in technology and business at Amazon and McKinsey, they created a solution to make the wedding planning process simpler and more affordable. They co-founded Honeydew, a business dedicated to helping couples plan their weddings by reducing the stress of dealing with vendors. Honeydew serves as a personal assistant for the wedding planning process.

*If US Chillas head to Honeydew and click “Plan for Me” and mention "Bridechilla" or use referral code "CHILLA" they'll get a 10% discount!

With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Careof bridechilla

Show image by Brooke Cagle

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Bridechilla Blog

Top Tips for Keeping the Chill in Bridechilla When you First Get Engaged

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Top Tips for Keeping the 'Chill' in Bridechilla
When you First Get Engaged

It doesn’t take a mind reader to know what thoughts are running through a newly-engaged person’s head. What’s the perfect Instagram announcement? Can I pull off my dream Pinterest wedding board? Will my wedding pictures go viral and make Meghan Markle swoon with jealousy? Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. Meghan Ely from OFD Consulting and her team of wedding industry experts chime in on what you might be overlooking in the early stages.

Photo by Kyle Loftus

Enjoy being engaged for as long as you can

The first few weeks (or days, if you’re a planning fiend) after you get engaged are perhaps the best, and they should be cherished! Mary Angelini and Jamie Albury of Key Moment Films say, “It’s easy to get swept into a planning frenzy after getting engaged. Family members may immediately start asking you questions about dates, but take at least a few weeks to enjoy engagement bliss with your fiancée without any of the pressures of planning.”

Jamie Chang of Passport to Joy adds, “Take a trip for some alone time or at the very least a few days to be together without family or friends (or social media) asking questions.”

Photo by Savs

Take initial wedding planning slow

One of the first instincts of any Bridechilla is to snowball your engagement into a full-on planning process within hours of getting engaged. While those thoughts are totally normal, outline the most important to get you through the initial month first.

Shannon Tarrant of Wedding Venue Map says that this can be as simple as planning out what you’ll say to all of the questions you’ll surely get. “Have a standard answer to the planning questions so it won't aggravate you! ‘Do you have a date? What kind of dress are you looking for?’ Know that those questions are coming, so be prepared with how you want to answer them. A great example is ‘I'm enjoying being engaged and haven't started the planning yet!’ That is a great way to shut them down but still be positive if you’re not quite there yet.”

Start Planning with the Bridechilla Guides

Take baby steps making planning decisions

If you’re antsy to get the ball rolling in true Bridechilla fashion, we promise it’s absolutely okay to start putting feelers out. Tommy Waters, event planner and owner of The Renaissance says, “Typically, the heaviest decision will be your ceremony and/or reception sites. Start making a list of your favorites and reach out to get some information, availability, and prices.

A ‘need’ and ‘want’ list will be your friend at this stage in the game. 

For example, some pretty common ‘needs’ are vendors like photographers, a DJ (or band), florist, and baker. If you’re the type to want a horse-driven carriage or a few ice sculptures, I always suggest putting these items on your ‘want’ list.”

Waters adds that communication is key, and nothing has to be made official just yet. “Start engaging with some planners and get a feel for who will work well with you. Be savvy - some hotels and reception venues have planners already included so you could save some major dollars there by getting ahead of the game.”

At the end of the day, you know better than anyone when it comes to the pace of planning and setting your priorities straight. Don’t worry so much about outside input or what the ‘norm’ is for timelines. Take as little time or as long as you feel comfortable with, and remember the reason for your big day!

Meghan Ely Bridechilla

Meet Meghan

Meghan Ely is the owner of wedding PR and wedding marketing firm OFD Consulting.

Ely is a sought-after speaker, adjunct professor in the field of public relations, and a self-professed royal wedding enthusiast.

Show image by Sarah Diniz Outeiro

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Bridechilla BlogGuest Post

How to not be perfect and still be brilliant!

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

On episode 354 of the Bridechilla podcast, guest Dr. David Purves shares tools and takeaways to overcome and avoid perfectionism. In this blog Dr Purves gives us 8 ways to ditch the quest for perfectionism, which is an enemy to be defeated in wedding planning and in life! 

Listen to the episode

It's a common myth that high standard are always a good thing. Virtually every psychological problem has within it the seeds of ultra high personal standards. If you're reading this you may be tempted to say 'Are you saying it's better to have NO standards, I couldn't do that'. And in this imaginary interchange the problem is revealed. Ultra high standards are held by perfectionists. It is a variation on a black and white thinking style. You know the kind of thing; it's fantastic or it's useless. It's perfect or it's a failure. 

Perfectionists set themselves very high personal standards and then they judge their performance against those standards. If they fail to meet them (which they often do because they are so high) they are very self critical, and may feel that everything they have worked for is at risk and even that they are failing. 

Alternatively if they do meet their standards they think they have set them too low and that's why they succeeded.

Photo by Brooke Cagle

So what can we do about this pervasive and frankly unhelpful process?

Well, I have made a list of good standby strategies you can use to off-set the debilitating need to be perfect. Spoiler alert...no one is perfect and nothing is perfect. So the whole attempt to be 'perfect' is doomed. But you can still be brilliant.

1.There is nothing wrong with you, you are fine just as you are. 

Your high standards may seem quirky and helpful and 'just how you are' but they going to bite you in the bum at some point so you may was well take control of them now and enjoy your life journey instead being self critical.

2. You are probably depending too much on your own evaluation of how you are doing. 

The problem is that you are heavily biased in favor of what you have always done. You may not even see the process of perfectionism in action. So ask a trusted friend to calibrate what you think against what they think. Two heads are better than one and just the act of opening up your perfectionist tenancies to the wider world can have a refreshing and releasing effect on you.

3. Stress often makes you fall back on tried and tested methods of problem solving even if they are useless!

When you get stressed you will apply your perfectionist tool kit even harder. You will work harder, raise your already high standards and criticize yourself even more.

4. If you wouldn't say it to another person don't think it of yourself.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

5. Practice keeping a diary of the critical things you say to yourself. 

It can be put in a worksheet that has these headings:- (1) Triggering events, (2) Self critical thoughts and (3) Associated feelings. Being able to see your critical thoughts written down has a powerful balancing effect.

6. Develop a compassionate voice you can use to challenge your harsh critical voice. 

Imagine the voice of a close friend who loves and cares for you. They understand what you struggle with and how much you care about things. But they also speak from a place of love and compassion. Give this voice a name an use it to speak to yourself about how you are doing. Especially when you are feeling overwhelmed. The change of voice tone is a powerful intervention to help you remain balanced and feeling in control.

7. Learn to forgive yourself for being human. 

You would forgive other people for their mistakes so give yourself the same leeway you afford others.

8. Challenge your faulty thinking styles. 

These are conclusion jumping (jumping to conclusions without adequate evidence; perfectionism being an example of that). Crystal gazing (imagining your know something you could not possibly know) and Talking down (talking yourself, others or the world down). If you want a free copy of my e-book on faulty thinking please click here.

Header image by Candice Picard 

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Bridechilla Blog

4 Easy Ways to Improve Your Communication and Relationship

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

4 Easy Ways to Improve Your Communication and Relationship

by Kristen Rocco

The last thing you want to think about when you’re engaged is your marriage going south. Unfortunately, statistics around divorce are frightening with about half of all couples splitting up. 

That’s a scary reality. And one that I know is faux pax to even discuss while you’re happily in love and planning the most special event to celebrate your love. But, as they say, knowledge is power and understanding what the four most toxic relationship killers are can help you circumvent them in your marriage. 

These relationship killers are known as the four horsemen by Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute. He’s one of the most renown relationship experts in the world for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction. He has studied couples and conducted breakthrough research for over 40 years and says the relationship killers I’m point out today predict divorce 90% of the time. 

Listen to the Bridechilla episode

Toxic Relationship Behavior #1: Criticism

 Criticism is the expression of disapproval of someone based on their perceived faults or mistakes. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. Gottman defines criticism as a global attack on personality or character. 

We can all think of a time when we felt criticized and hated how it made us feel…small, defensive, undermining our confidence are some emotions that come to mind. Even between two well meaning and loving partners, criticism can rear its ugly head. It takes emotional intelligence and practice to frame your complaint as it relates to the situation rather than target the person’s character. 

Can you think of a time when these statements or variations of them were said to you or you said them: 

“You’re so lazy you can’t even move to change the channel.”

“You always spend all of our money and we never get to take a vacation.”

“You never listen to me and that’s why we’re in this dilemma.”

“You’re just like your mother.”

Do you see how these statements aren’t just about a specific situation? They are attacks on someone’s character. They’re offensive to the person on the receiving end. They all have one thing in common and that’s the use of the word “you” at the beginning of the statement, which indicates blame right off the bat. Another common pitfall of criticism is the use of “always” and “never.” 

Criticism ultimately erodes a relationship because it causes the person who’s being criticized to become emotionally distance. No one wants to open up to someone who puts them down.

Photo by Siddharth Bhogra

Toxic Relationship Behavior #2: Contempt

Dr. Gottman calls contempt “the kiss of death” and notes it’s the worst of the four relationship killers. It’s especially toxic because one partner sees him/herself as more superior and as a result is less likely to be empathetic toward his/her partner. 

Dr. Gottman’s blog says, “Contempt isn’t ‘I hate you.’ It’s something much worse. Something insidious and gross. Contempt is ‘I’m better than you.’ If betrayal is a question of trust, contempt is a question of respect. Contempt says, ‘I don’t respect you. In fact, I’m going to actively disrespect you.’”

 If that doesn’t sum up why contempt is so destructive, I don’t know what does. 

Contempt is displayed in behaviors like making insults and name-calling, hostile humor that mimics someone else, statements that establish superiority and nonverbal signs like eye rolls, snarled lips and a sarcastic tone. 

“You’re still on the couch, how pathetic are you?” 

“I’ll handle the lease negotiations since I have the business degree.” 

“She can’t remember anything; she has sticky notes everywhere.” 

“You would forget your name if it weren’t on your driver’s license.”

These statements demean and disrespect the targeted person. This is poisonous to any relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority and if it’s not turned around quickly, it will lead to an extremely unhealthy relationship with negative outcomes. 

Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes

Topic Relationship Behavior #3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. 

You may be tempted to see defensiveness as an acceptable reaction to criticism and you think, “well of course I have to stand up for myself.” The problem is that defensiveness also comes into play in response to a complaint, which isn’t harmful to a relationship. Defensiveness has a negative impact on your relationship because it’s perceived by the other person as blaming them rather than accepting responsibility for your part of the conflict. 

Dr. Gottman says defensive behavior is really about saving face, not making the other person feel better. Take this scenario for example:

Complaint: Did you pay the bills that were due today?

Defensiveness: You know how much I have on my plate, why didn’t you pay them to help me out?

The defensive partner is blaming her partner instead of accepting responsibility for breaking a previously-made arrangement. The problem is not resolved; rather it’s only escalated paving the way for other relationship killers to take course. When this is a partner’s way of approaching conflict, they are threatening their relationship, possibly beyond repair. 

Photo by rawpixel 

Topic Relationship Behavior #4: Stonewalling

Perpetual conflict is a form of conflict that doesn’t have a clear cut answer. It happens around fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. This type of conflict is the hardest to resolve and unfortunately, it represents 69% of all conflict. 

Stonewalling is a common response to this type of conflict. It’s defined as self protection in the form of delaying or blocking your partner by refusing to answer questions or by giving evasive replies. 

It’s plain and simply a refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. You can see this coming from a mile away when you hear phrases like these:

“Get out of my face…”

“That’s enough…”

“Just leave me alone…”

“Do whatever you want…”

“End of conversation…”

It’s ok for someone to need some time to collect their thoughts and come back to the conversation. This isn’t stonewalling. Stonewalling is a blatant disregard for the issue. Usually, the stonewalling partner becomes so overwhelmed that they feel a heightened psychological response and it’s too overwhelming to engage in the conflict so instead they disregard it and leave, either mentally or physically, the situation altogether.

You may be thinking, “holy crap, these relationship killers can really mess up my relationship, what can I do about it?” The good news is that you have already taken the first step of becoming aware of them. There’s always more research you can do. The Gotten Institute website has plenty of great resources for you on their website, particularly the blog. 

I have also created The Marriage Mindset Masterclass which gives you the relationship tips, tools and strategies to build the crazy wonderful partnership you have always dreamed of.

I know this subject isn’t what you what to be thinking about during this happy time but practice makes perfect and nailing down these techniques will help you build your marriage muscle for a happy and healthy relationship that lasts a lifetime.

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346-4 Toxic relationship killers and how to avoid them

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

Wedding planning is such a happy time. You are celebrating your love with family and friends through a special, meaningful ceremony. However, your wedding day is just the beginning. It’s a one time event, while a marriage lasts for a lifetime. So how can you set your marriage up for success? On today’s Bridechilla podcast, guest Kristen Rocco, founder of Love Notery, joins Aleisha to discuss keeping your marriage strong before it starts by avoiding toxic relationship killers. Listen to this episode to hear some great advice for how to have a successful, long lasting marriage.

Listen to episode 364 of Bridechilla

Changing your marriage mindset

Marriage takes work. Just like practicing a sport or talent, you have to work on your marriage to make it better. Only through mutual investment will your marriage get stronger. Especially early in marriage, there are a lot of potential stressors that can impact the marriage. There are also habits and patterns that can develop which can be harmful to long term harmony. During this episode, Kristen Rocco shares her mission of helping people with their marriage mindset. She shares stories and advice from her research and experience that can benefit anyone hoping to have a happy, long-lasting marriage.  

4 toxic relationship behaviors

According to Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman institute, there are four toxic relationship behaviors that, if they exist in a marriage, can predict divorce 90% of the time. While that may seem daunting, the good news is you can take steps before your marriage even starts to sidestep these behaviors. Having a healthy marriage isn’t an unattainable dream. It can be a reality for you and your partner. During this episode, Kristen talks about all 4 behaviors, the ways in which they can negatively impact your relationship, and what steps to take to counteract these destructive tendencies.

How to stop the damage before it starts

Each of the four behaviors that Kristen discusses with Aleisha in this episode can have adverse effects on your relationship with your partner. She talks about criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling and how each one presents particular issues that, left unaddressed, can cause long-lasting damage. Reframing how you communicate with your spouse and working toward quick resolution is important. Using examples from her own marriage and experience, Kristen gives advice for how to spot those behaviors and cut them off before they become habit. Hear more during this great interview.

Keys to keeping your marriage strong before it starts

Even though you may not even be married yet, it is a good idea to begin thinking about the four toxic behaviors before they start. It is important to know your tendencies and address them. Everyone brings their own experience, expectations and baggage into the marriage. And they don’t just go away once you are married. In fact, they most often will be amplified. However, you and your partner can start off on the right foot. Listen to the keys Kristen gives during this episode and apply them so that you can keep your marriage strong before it starts.

Show Highlights

  • [0:39] Introduction of Kristen Rocco, founder of Love Notery.
  • [3:43] The potential for conflict in the first few years of marriage and the importance of learning to deal with it.
  • [5:57] Kristen explains how she started the new journey working on the marriage mindset
  • [10:14] There are four toxic behaviors that can derail a relationship.  
  • [18:40] Kristen talks about whether or not her marriage is on the path she thought it would be.
  • [21:52] The antithesis of respect and how it can damage a relationship
  • [27:54] Defeating defensiveness by taking responsibility for your actions
  • [31:23] Shutting down a crucial conversation through stonewalling

Memorable Quotes

  • “Up to the first three years, that’s where you are most likely to have conflict, and that conflict that actually causes really big problems in your relationship. So those early years of marriage are critical to being happy and successful in the long term.”
  • “The key to the real housewives is them not doing what we’ve just spoken about and it’s always remembering, always having the receipts, and always bring it up at the reunion and never letting anyone forget.”
  • “When you have that mutual respect for each other, your relationship is set up for success.”
  • “Holding onto stuff is not good. It’s not healthy.”
  • “We’re not just here for the ONE day. We are really here for a happy marriage.”

Meet This Episode’s Guest

Kristen Rocco is the founder of Love Notery, a company that seeks to personalize the wedding planning process more personal. Kristen found that she could use her writing and storytelling skills to write love stories for couples. Her goal is to bring their love story into their wedding day to share with family and friends. Her writing serves to preserve that story for years to come. She also coaches people how to write their own wedding vows through Love Notery. She is now working on helping couples start their marriages off right through The Marriage Mindset. 

Listen to episode 364 of Bridechilla

Thanks to Our Bridechilla Partners

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Show image by Sarah Diniz Outeiro

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Bridechilla Podcast

336- How to Avoid Getting Caught Up in the Downward Spiral of Details

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

I’m excited welcome Kristy Rice of Momental Designs, a boutique stationery company that specializes in hand-painted invitations. In episode 336 of The Bridechilla Podcast, we explore the pressure of overdoing details and the overwhelm that can come from too many choices and not sticking with your gut,
By the time couples get to work with Kristy, they are drowning in wedding day details, general plans, timelines and Pinterest boards. They can’t even find the fuck it bucket if they tried! It's easy to get caught up on the little details but in this episode Kristy shares her tips for how to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Listen to episode 336 of Bridechilla

Minimizing the Overwhelm 

1. Look to your home for design inspo...your favorite textile, painting or even a beloved family heirloom can become wedding decor fodder. 

2. Limit your time on Pinterest. Too much exposure to TOO MANY ideas can cause overwhelm and wedding anxiety! 

3. Trust your instincts! Nothing crumbles a killer decor plan like second guessing yourself.

4. When you find yourself changing your mind a ton, it's time to refocus. Go back to your core. What inspired some of the first decisions you made? Go there, trust that, and keep moving on. 

5. When first diving into wedding design, look to non-wedding outlets for inspo. Great resources are home decor and architecture magazines, flower farmers and product stylists on instagram, or even food bloggers. Weddings blogs and magazines are essential but go there only after you've found your artistic voice.

6. Think like a painter would when designing complex parts of your wedding day, like the celebration table. Balance, color harmony and scale are all details to consider. 

7. Wedding styled shoots are meant to inspire not stress. Check your sources and ask expert advice about the realities of recreating a certain look realistically.

Make Details Count. Making a Personal Statement

​With her designs, Kristy created a niche for herself and created a space where she attracted the couples that wanted to make a personal statement and express themselves, to create a space where their love story, their unique tale, really came alive across in all aspects of design and décor.

For Kirsty, it’s always about the artwork and helping their couples ‘kind of become artists for a period in their lives’. Helping couples communicate the way artists communicate, visualizing the way that artists visualize, focus on details that are important and meaningful for them and ditching the rest.

‘Any day, we might be talking to 20 to 30 couples, who are at all different phases of their planning process, and of course we're talking to them about stationary, but I also see what's going on in the hearts and minds of couples from an editorial perspective as well. I feel like Pinterest and Instagram are driving us insane in one way or another because we are just constantly inundated with input with, with ‘you gotta do this, this looks fantastic’…we're just completely losing ourselves in this mass chaos of details and ideas. And at the end of the day, oftentimes where we see our couples is they are completely mentally overwhelmed and they don't know how to kind of sift through all of it to make really solid sound decisions in their decor and stationery. Whatever it may be, they're losing their ability to trust themselves in their decision making.'

Kristy says that ‘regardless of what a couple's budget is, when they come to us and they can literally be frantic because they simply were being driven options overwhelm’.

Kristy Rice- Bridechilla

Image by Natalie Franke Photography

Incorporating Details Of What You Love Into Your wedding

​When it comes to incorporating your personal style into your wedding, Kristy advises,

‘I want you to go into your home. Go back to a college book, an art history book, perhaps there is something that just stuck with you… a painting that you fell in love with years ago or go back to the things that you live with every single day and that visually get you really, really excited. And let's start there. Let's start our design conversation there. Let's not start a design conversation scrolling through Pinterest and getting overwhelmed from the moment you start scrolling.

Start somewhere where you're loving on something every day. It could be a textile, it could be a favorite piece of cloth that you throw over an old table. It can be something as simple as that, but it just, it's something you love every day. Let's start there and then that's going to give you clarity. You can always go back to that thing, that piece, that inspirational item and that will be your core and you can always go back there when things get really foggy.

Image by Danielle Coons Photography

Trusting Your Instinct and First Choices

Oddly enough, for many couples their first decisions, whether it's a gown, venue or stationary can be indicative of their true heart and the true spirit behind their event. If you feel overwhelmed with choice about details or if you are second guessing yourself, go back to some of those first decisions and think about why they made them and what made them excited about those decisions. Perhaps your first choice was the winning choice but you found it too easy and quick and ditched it too soon!

Kristy Rice- Bridechilla

Image by Iris and Echo Wedding Photography

Meet Kristy Rice

Kristy Rice Bridechilla

Kristy Rice is indeed a storyteller of style; communicating for her brides in paint and pen, paper and prose, very personal stories with attention to detail and an unmistakable sense of hand. Kristy’s intuitive skill is in combining her distinctive watercolor technique with her decorative painting style and whimsical illustrations. In less than a decade, her personal obsession with the visual arts has evolved into an innovative international brand which garners attention from wedding publications around the world. Armed with a curated team of stationery artists, designers and craftsmen, Kristy has transformed wedding stationery into a persuasive and compelling medium that brings an artistic experience to couples worldwide. Kristy Rice shares her heart through each carefully placed brushstroke or turn of hand, and those expressions continue to beguile, inform and describe a world her clients and fellow creatives love.

Find Kristy and her wonderful work on
Instagram | Facebook | Website | Kristy's books on Amazon

Show image by Benjaminrobyn Jespersen

Thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Happily ever borrowed Bridechilla
Stillwhite.com wedding dress Bridechilla
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307: Using Pinterest effectively to design your wedding

by Michelle Edgemont
written by Michelle Edgemont

If you are suffering from Pinterest and inspiration overwhelm, then this episode of The Bridechilla podcast might help you find clarity and ways to focus on using Pinterest to your advantage. Honing in on colors, textures and aesthetic details are can help you develop your own vision for your wedding. I am joined by designer Michelle Edgemont who shares her easy to follow technique to pin like crazy and then really focus on what you actually want, not just pinning thousands of images that confuse you. Check out Michelle's blog below and listen to the episode!

Listen to episode 307 of Bridechilla

Using Pinterest Effectively to Design Your Wedding

When I got married, Pinterest didn’t exist. Can you even imagine?!? I had a folder on my desktop of all of my inspiration images, then I’d print them out, and put them in a binder. So old school! Now, you have this glorious site full of millions of images to organize and get inspired by. It can get overwhelming, especially if you are the one designing your own wedding.
These 5 tips below are the same ones I give to my clients that hire me as their event designer. Before anything actually gets designed, we need a starting point of inspiration. All art has roots in inspiration from somewhere. Whether from fashion, sculpture, editorial shoots, or even other weddings, the design concept for your wedding will need a starting point. This is where pinterest comes in.

Photo by Brandon Rodkewtiz Photography

Photo by Brandon Rodkewtiz Photography

Step 1: Pin All The Things

Open up your pinterest account. Start a board called My Wedding Design. It can be secret if you don’t want anyone knowing about it, that’s fine. Now, start pinning. Pin everything that calls out to you. If you love the colors, pin it. If it’s a DIY idea, pin it. If it has your favorite flowers in it, pin it. Put everything and anything that you love for your decor on this board. You’ll pin color inspiration, flowers, table scapes, invitations, signage, lighting, linens, tents, etc. Anything that has to do with the look and feel of your wedding, pin it to this big My Wedding Design board.

Now that you have everything pinned, we are going to edit. Open your My Wedding Design board. Scroll through the board. You should start to see some themes pop out right away. Maybe there is a lot of images that are pink? Or you see that you really love wild flower arrangements? Is everything sparkly and covered in glitter? Those themes that you see emerging, that’s your wedding aesthetic. Pick a few adjectives and make a new board with those adjectives. For example, Wild Flower Glitter Wedding or Vintage Travel Inspired Wedding or Black and White Modern NYC Wedding.

Photo by Levi Stolove Photography

Get Organized and cull, cull, cull!

Click on the button that says “organize” at the top right of your My Wedding Design board. Select everything that you absolutely love and CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT that fits into your wedding theme. Do not select images that you aren’t totally, head over heels, infatuated with. Copy your favorite images over to the My Favorite Wedding Designs board. The goal is to have no more than 30 pins on this favorites board. Yep, 30. That’s it. You might need to do a few rounds of edits to get to 30 pins. Try your hardest to only have a limited amount of inspiration images on your new board. You’ll still have all of the original images you love, but now you’ll have a second board that is more edited and ready to send to your wedding vendors.

Photo by Levi Stolove Photography

Step 2: Search globally, locally, and unconventionally

You’ll start finding pins using the search function on pinterest. More on this later. But for right now, search for whatever you think you love. Pink bouquets. Hanging lights. Barn tables. Whatever. Pin what you find that you love.

Next, check out the big wedding brands’ pinterest accounts. Wedding Chicks, Brooklyn Bride, Style Me Pretty, The Knot, Martha Stewart Weddings, A Practical Wedding, etc. All the big wedding media companies will have robust pinterest accounts with thousands of pins for you to chose from organized into easy to navigate boards. This is a good place to get lost in for hours.

Photo by Sarah Tew Photography

Think local, using vendors in your area for inspiration 

Then, search for decor vendors in the area you are getting married in and pin from their boards. Since these are the vendors you will hire anyways, might as well get inspired by their past work now. Google NYC Florist or Denver Professional Lighting or San Francisco Invitation design. Go to the vendor’s websites and find their pinterest boards. Look around and pin what you love. You will most likely be working with these local companies for your wedding and pinning their work will help you research which ones you love.

Look for wedding inspiration in unconventional places

Finally, look for inspiration in unconventional places. Your favorite museum’s pinterest page, fine art boards, corporate event boards are all good spots to start. Lifestyle bloggers and retail shops who’s styles resonate with you are a best bet too: SFgirlbybay, DesignLoveFest, OhHappyday, Madewell, Kate Spade, and Ban.do are some of my favorites. Pin anything to your big My Wedding Design board that speaks to you. Maybe it’s the color of a leather bag, or the way a store used signage, or the font on a t-shirt. Using elements that aren’t from someone else’s wedding are how you design a completely unique event.

Photo by Amber Gress Photography

​Step 3: Collaborate with friends and family

Ok, take this piece of advice with a grain of salt. And know your audience. Meaning, you are only going to let your inner most circle of people access to your wedding pinterest. If your mom is being totally annoying, do not give her access. This opens the door for opinions. When opinions are disagreed with, feelings get hurt, and everything turns into a big mess. Your best friend, your sister, your mom (if she’s cool), are the people you can give access to your pinterest boards. They can pin neat images that they find. You can all add comments on certain images. You can get your trusted loved one’s opinions on your design ideas. It’s nice and helpful to bounce ideas off of one another. You do not need to bear the burden of designing your entire wedding yourself. 

Photo by Amber Gress Photography

Step 4: Search Wisely

Here is my favorite way to search for images on pinterest: let’s say we are looking for colorful centerpieces. Search “colorful centerpiece”. A lot of the images that come up will be garbage mixed with sponsored pins and ads. Sift through all of that until you find an image you love. Click on that image so it gets bigger. Now scroll down. You’ll see a bunch of much more relevant images where you can find more inspiration that’s along the lines of the type of colorful arrangement you are looking for. 

Photo by Amber Gress Photography

Step 5: Take a break

The most important tip is this one: TAKE A BREAK. Walk away from pinterest for days, even weeks. Come back with fresh eyes to edit your board. There are millions and millions of wedding inspirations online. You don’t need to see all of it. A lot of it is repetitive. Once you have your 30 pins on your second design board, you are done. Stop pinning. No more blog reading. No more searching for another image of a black and white bouquet when you already have five.
This is the board you will use to design your wedding. Whenever you need to make a design decision, come back to this board and it will tell you what to do. This is how you design a cohesive event. The board makes the decisions for you. For example, do you use white or black envelopes for your invitations? Look at your design pinterest board. On the images of invitation suites, what color are the envelopes? Use that color.
I hope these 5 Tips for using Pinterest to Design Your Wedding are helpful to you! You can follow more of my event design company on instagram @MEdgemontDesign and check out my pinterest page for lots of fun, colorful inspiration.

Show Cover Image by Amber Gress Photography

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299- Stop saying yes to Sh*t you hate with Talia Pollock

by Aleisha
written by Aleisha

I share a fabulous conversation with fellow stand up comedian, Bridechilla and Podcaster Talia Pollock, originally recorded as part of her podcast Party in My Plants.

Listen to episode 299 of Bridechilla

Talia is a great believer that being healthy doesn't have to suck and that  'it’s possible to drink green juice AND drink cocktails, that it’s do-able to eat quinoa AND online date and that it’s really OK to not eat dairy AND still go to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico'.
In this episode we talk about the cult mindset of '#sheddingforthewedding', family pressure and body image (especially coming up to the holiday season).
We also talk about managing stress on the day of your wedding and look at different mindsets for relaxation and incorporating our pre-stand up comedy performing routine (not freaking out) into our wedding routines.
We also share our tips for giving yourself permission to be different and not follow the crowd, an area that I know can be challenging in all facets of our lives, not just weddings.
Talia is a total Bridechilla, she even asked her best friend to 'not be her bridesmaid' and is including her love of healthy food in her wedding, even though some of her guests are bitching about wanting a steak!
I look forward to having Talia as a returning guest on Bridechilla in the new year. 

Show image photo by Ilya Yakover 

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