Tag:

wedstress

7 Most common things to go wrong at weddings and how to fix them

by Bibi Raven March 28, 2019

Wedding.
Dreading.
Stressing.
Coincidence that all these words rhyme (sorta)? I think not.

Thought it’s one of the most magical days of your life, the possibility of things going terribly wrong on your blessed day is simply mind-boggling. The DJ doesn’t rock up. The priest gets lost. The food makes every guest violently ill. It’s enough to call the whole thing off and just elope.

While you can’t control absolutely everything on your wedding day, there are some commonly encountered wedding mishaps that can be avoided. Or better yet, prevented.

Here are seven of the most common things to go wrong at weddings, and how you can fix them before they turn the best day of your life into one of the worst days of your life.

It Starts To Rain. Then Pour.

It’s the biggest fear of all brides - having an outdoor wedding and it starts to rain.

While you can’t fix this so-called problem from Mother Nature, you can certainly try to prepare. In the days leading up to your wedding day, check the weather predictions religiously. Clothing retailer Monsoon has released an ingenious wedding weather calculator. It uses Met Office rainfall data to analyse 86 years’ worth of statistics to show which days have historically been the driest and which days have been a total washout.

Even if there isn’t an indication that it’s going to rain, I’d still recommend having a Plan B. This can be as simple as having enough emergency umbrellas for your guests to hiring a back-up marquee tent.

Another way to remedy rain-induced wedding stress? Chain your mindset! Rain on your wedding day is said to be good luck. In many cultures, rain symbolizes fertility, unity and a fresh start.

As the saying goes, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.

The In Laws Don’t Get Along

One of the greatest joys of a wedding is the coming together of two families. Becoming Mr and Mrs (or Mr and Mr, Mrs and Mrs, etc) doesn’t just mean the start of your own family with the love of your life. It means both sides of the family coming together to be one.

Easier said than done.

When your parents and your future in-laws fight like Montagues and Capulets, it could be a recipe for disaster on the days leading up to your wedding and your actual wedding day.

Your mother wants you to wear her understated retro wedding dress. Your mother-in-law is pushing for a fancy, massive meringue wedding dress. Your father suggests a quiet get together on your parent’s country townhouse. Your father-in-law offers to pay for the Ritz.

It’s enough to do your head in.

So, what to do? The answer - don’t force it. You’re just giving yourself unnecessary stress on your special day.

To avoid any deadly situations, place them at separate tables. This might not be conventional, but it’s better than having a full-blown public argument at your wedding. To be frank, let them avoid each other the whole day if it means making the wedding run smoothly. Possibly the only point at which they have to be within 2 feet of each other and force a smile is for the photos.

Another top tip - make sure they have enough booze. Lots and lots of booze. Hopefully, that’ll loosen them up and have them crying in each other’s arms at how happy they are their beloved children found each other.

You Get Sh*t Wedding Gifts

Weddings are for gifts. Oh and for love and romance and all that jazz. But mainly for gifts.
Just kidding.Obviously, they’re not the sole focus of your big day, but they are a major added bonus of getting married. Unless you get totally bogus gifts.

To avoid such a catastrophe, make it clear to your guests what sort of gifts you and your partner want. This can be included on the invitation, or a friendly e-mail reminder leading up to the wedding.

Are you looking for traditional gifts such as silverware and appliances? Or maybe you’re the couple who’d prefer an extraordinary wedding gift experience. Or even plain hard cash.

Make it known what you’d prefer. There’s no shame. Plus, it’ll help your guests find the perfect gift for you!

You Get Sloppy Jallopy Wasted

Ah, alcohol. A friend and foe. A froend, if you will.

Alcohol can be a great way to relax the nerves. Getting ready with your bridesmaids is often the most nerve-wracking time of the whole day. That’s why free-flowing bubbly is a prerequisite.

But it’s all fun and games until you’re too smashed to put on your wedding dress.

Feel free to indulge in a few glasses of champagne with your girlfriends, but don’t take it too far. You’ve still got a long night ahead of you.

The reception is the part of the wedding where the booze is at its best. Don’t let guests pressure you into taking your 17th shot of tequila. If worst comes to worst, pull the ol’ trick of carrying and refilling a shot of water.

Your Groom Gets Sloppy Jallopy Wasted

Here’s another recipe for disaster - your hubby gets totally trashed before he’s even made it to the chapel.
Not cool.
To avoid such a catastrophe, ask one of the groomsmen to keep an eye on him. Choose a groomsman that you’re personally close with and make your expectations clear - I want to marry a sober man.

They’ll be bound to get a little rowdy as they’re all getting ready together, drinking whiskey and smoking cigars, but it doesn’t have to get to an out-of-control level.

You Have a Wardrobe Malfunction

Picture this - you’re walking down the aisle. The bells are chiming. The rose petals from the flower girl’s hands are falling gracefully to the floor. Everyone rises as you make your grand entrance. Your husband looks at your with tears in his eyes. You take a step. And another. And on the next one, you step on your dress and the entire bottom half of your dress comes apart.

Every bride’s nightmare.

To avoid such an awful situation, always have a sewing kit on hand. Better yet, have an Oh Sh*t Kit. It’s a wedding emergency pack filled with helpful items, from double-sided tape and safety pins to body lotion and a hairbrush.

Someone Brings Their Annoying Brat (After You Asked Them Not To)

To children or not to children? That is the question.

Allowing children to attend a wedding is one of the greatest debates in wedding history. On the one hand, they’re cute as buttons. They give your wedding a sense of energy and youthfulness that can really put everyone at ease.

But on the other hand, they can be a total nuisance- crying, throwing a tantrum and preventing their mum and dad, your guests, from having fun.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else says - the decision is yours. Some couples make the call to allow the kids at the ceremony and not at the reception. Remember, it’s your wedding and you call the shots.

If you do decide to allow the rugrats to enjoy the whole event, a good idea would be to have a separate room with an au pair. Here they can run around, have fun and be safe. And they can sleep soundly when their little bodies get tired from all the wedding fun.

I hope these fixes made you feel more chill while planning that big day. You got this.

Header photo by boram kim

March 28, 2019

Bridechilla Blog Bridechilla Podcast

365- Decision making made easy

by Aleisha March 26, 2019

written by Aleisha

Decision making overwhelm can hit even the most organised people, especially when it comes to all of the choices that surround wedding planning. From the 'big' decisions, right down the smaller details (that still require thought) can add up and send you into a downward stress cycle. In this episode of Bridechilla, founder, Aleisha shares her best tips for making decisions that are right for you and moving on with your life, so you can enjoy the process!

Whether you are planning a wedding or just living your life day-to-day, there are a multitude of decisions with which you are faced. More than ever before, we are forced to make decisions quickly while processing loads of information. It can quickly lead to confusion, frustration and burnout. During this episode, Aleisha shares 5 tips for how to step back, slow down, and take a better approach to making good decisions.

Listen to episode 365 of Bridechilla

The pros and cons of a pros and cons list

You’ve seen it on movies and tv shows. The lead character is trying to make a decision so she pulls out a pen and a pad and makes a pros and cons list. It may seem silly, but sometimes just taking to time think things through and write them down can be extremely helpful. Writing a pros and con list can help you process the decision and gives you a record to return to if you start to second guess yourself once you’ve made the decision. Listen for the ways to make the pros and con lists and how they can be helpful during this podcast.

Sometimes there are so many options that you don’t even think about sitting down and taking a moment to write this shit down and walk away from it for 20 minutes, an hour, 2 days, and then come back and have a look at the pros and cons again and see what works and what doesn’t.

Photo by Alejandro Escamilla

The right time for the right decision

Timing is everything. When approaching a difficult conversation, you want to choose a good time to have it. The same is true for making decisions. Times you are hungry, tired, or emotionally drained are not good times to try and make important decisions. Taking a moment to assess the timing both for yourself and your partner or others who might have a say in the decision can help you avoid potential traps or pitfalls that could sabotage good decision making. Hear Aleisha explain more about the importance of good timing in decision making and how you can determine the right time during this episode.

Regret is a trap that I encourage you to not indulge in because if you live with regret and you worry about the consequences of decisions that really don’t matter in the long run it can really weigh you down emotionally.

Not-so-sweet emotion

Making good decisions involves having a clear head. Emotions are a great thing, but sometimes they can cloud our ability to make a good decision. In times where emotions might be heightened, making critical decisions might not be wise or advisable. There are also certain decisions that will appeal to your emotions in a way that prove unhelpful to the decision-making process. Being aware of your current emotional state and the potential impact of a given decision on your emotions is a first step in determining whether or not you should make the decision. It could lead to you either waiting for another time or getting outside advice.

Photo by Christoph Rücker

Embrace the unknown

As fantastic as it would be, no one can see or predict the future. In all of life, there is the mystery of the unknown. Trying to predict the future only leads to frustration and, sometimes, analysis paralysis. While you can’t control the future, you can control how you handle the present. Aleisha encourages listeners to just do your best, live the best you can and embrace the unknown. Listen to this episode to hear the 5 ways to better decision making and much more on the bridechilla podcast.

Listen to episode 365 of Bridechilla

Show Highlights

[0:31] This episode of the Bridechilla podcast focuses on how to make good decisions without feeling pressured or overwhelmed
[5:41] Aleisha talks about her approach to decision making and the struggles she deals with in making decisions
[9:22] How men and women differ in the way they make decisions.
[13:46] How high-power people of influence eliminate stress in decision making.
[20:12] How little decisions can be the most overwhelming and how to use a pro/con list to help bring clarity to a decision.
[24:35] Think about the emotions attached to a decision and how they might affect your judgement and ability to make a good decision
[29:27] Ditch the concept of regret or irrelevant emotions
[31:21] Because you can’t see or predict the future, you have to embrace the unknown and do your best.
[34:28] Consider writing down the process you are going through while making a decision.

Memorable Quotes

“I think our generation is making a lot more decisions a lot more quickly than our parents. We’ve got a lot more information available to us which is great but it can make it really stressful when it comes to making a decision.”
“So far I’ve said I want someone to make restaurant and dinner decisions and also someone to tell me what clothes to wear. Just like I need a P.A., a very decisive P.A.
“Taking chances is the biggest joy in life.”

With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Show image by Dmitry Bayer

March 26, 2019

Bridechilla Blog Bridechilla Podcast

360-Comparison is The Thief of Joy- with Lucy Sheridan

by Aleisha February 18, 2019

written by Aleisha

A big conversation in our post wedding facebook group, The Chilla Grads is post-wedding coping, comparison, blues and feelings surrounding expectations not being reached when thinking about our wedding celebrations. I am delighted to be joined by Lucy Sheridan, Comparison Coach whose aim is to help people get over the 'compare and despair' of social media and beyond. A wonderfully motivating for chat, no matter where you are in your planning journey.

Listen to Episode 360 of Bridechilla

Dealing with the post wedding let down

Planning a wedding and preparing for marriage is an exciting time. You spend so much time making decisions for this huge event. What do you do when the wedding is over and the new normal of real life begins? Many times there can be a feeling of sadness or depression. Aleisha and Lucy discuss the potential let down that you might experience after your wedding. They also share from their personal experiences and give advice for how you can deal with it. The most important step is to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel those emotions and then deal with them in a healthy way.

"You must allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling.”

Don’t do it alone

In times of depression, anxiety, or just general life struggle, we often have the tendency to seclude ourselves. Rather than bother others with our problems or be forced to deal with our feelings, we try to go it alone. However, in these difficult times, it is better to surround yourself with people that care about you. Talking with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor will help you get back to health sooner. Lucy shares her experience with therapy and how it helped her. Hear about the benefits of letting other people help during this episode.

Photo by Quân Nguyễn

"You can’t be positive of supporting yourself or someone else and also be doubting yourself. Your system has to lead with one message. One has to override the other"

Photo by Vladimir Kudinov

Adjusting to married life

After the wedding, the real work of adjusting to married life begins. It is an exciting time of learning how to function as a couple. There can be unexpected stressors that could pop up as you adapt to your new lifestyle. Lucy says, “What’s great about getting married is lots of things in our relationships and in our life stay exactly the same.” She shares some tips for how to deal with your spouse, how to pick the important battles, and how to support your significant other even if you may not totally agree with them. Most importantly, don’t compare your marriage to others. Focusing on your relationship and making your marriage the priority will make your marriage that much stronger. Hear other important advice and encouragement during this interview.

"What’s great about getting married is lots of things in our relationships and in our life stay exactly the same. I’m still gonna leave my wet towels on the floor. I’ve been doing it since I was 15 and no one is going to talk me out of it.”

Tips for cutting out comparison

We are all guilty of comparing ourselves to others at some point in our lives. If we aren’t careful, we can find that comparison has invaded our lives and robbed us of joy and happiness. How can you reverse the trend and start to rid yourself of comparison? During this episode, Lucy shares some practical ways to identify the triggers in your life, how to process your emotions, and then move on. Cutting out comparison is an ongoing process that takes time, mindfulness, and lots of practice. Be encouraged that over time you can take back the joy that comparison has stolen.

Listen to Episode 360 of Bridechilla

[0:36] Introduction of Lucy Sheridan, the world’s first and only comparison coach. Lucy’s mission is to help people stop comparing themselves to others.
[6:55] Abigail asks about post wedding coping, dealing with identity, post-wedding nightmares, and depression
[11:42] The questions of identity that comes up after you get married.
[17:21] Creating open lines of communications and developing good conflict management skills in your relationship
[24:16] How to deal with negative emotions and the letdown of the wedding
[32:36] Therapy can help you be more healthy and shed some of the baggage that can weigh you down[35:52] Aleisha shares the story of how an honest conversation with a friend led to reconnection
[39:18] Key ways to identify the triggers of comparison and how to deal with them
[47:50] How to learn more about what Lucy does and how to get in touch

Meet Lucy Sheridan

I'm Lucy, 'the comparison coach'. If you want to get clear, confident and on track with what you want, once and for all, you’re in the right place.

CanI get a ‘hell yeah!’ from you if you're ready to cut the crap, stop comparing yourself to others and give yourself the gifts of choice and change?

This is a rallying cry for those of you sitting at work bored, or on your sofa, scrolling your iPad bouncing between social media and the feelings of “wtf am I doing with my life?”
Connect with Lucy - Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

Episode Resources

Show image by Candice Picard

February 18, 2019

Bridechilla Blog Real Bridechilla Weddings

A burnt white wedding dress & broken heels! 10th vow renewal in Hawaii

by Aleisha February 6, 2019

written by Aleisha

Chip and Nina where the ultimate Bridechilla and Groomchilla and didn’t let a burnt dress and a broken heel get in the way of celebrating their 10-year vow renewal in beautiful Hawaii. They kept calm and carried on celebrating with their family and beautiful children.
Photographer Harold from Alvea Studios captured all of the drama, colour and joy of their very memorable vow renewal day.

We've heard of being prepared for anything but...

Imagine this…a wonderful decade of marriage has passed. You and your partner have been through a lot of unforgettable memories and checked off a bunch of items from your bucket lists. Now, you decide its time to renew your wedding vows. You plan ahead of time and book a flight to Hawaii with your closest relatives.

YOU ARE VERY EXCITED.

Fast forward to the big day – you wake up really early to prepare. Everything is going smoothly until you iron your dress and BURN it!

Yes, that gorgeous, white dress.

You try to fix it but nothing else can be done.

You think “this can be fixed with photoshop”.

You have a photo shoot scheduled before your ceremony. You are rushing because you are way behind your schedule. You meet your photographer and start walking. In literally just 10 seconds, your heels snapped.

It’s broken. “Are you kidding me?” is an understatement for what you really feel. Then, a bright ray of light suddenly shines on your peripheral view – it’s a ROSS dress for less store – and they are open

The iron burn in Nina's dress was a tiny blip in a joy filled day!

As luck would have it there was a ROSS store nearby!

If this happened to you, how would you handle it?

This was what happened to Chip & Nina and hands down, they were one of the coolest couples I met.
They managed to handle everything very patiently and gracefully.
Nina just shook it off. It actually made the day extra special and memorable!

Exploring the colour and vibrancy of Kakaako

We went for a walk in Kakaako, downtown Honolulu to take some shots on these amazing murals. It was very colorful just like their story. The ceremony was very intimate and emotional. It's just them and the ocean. You can really feel the love that binds their family. They trusted me to take photos and videos for this special day. Fun fact: it’s my birthday too! I feel very honored to have spent my day with this beautiful family and witness their love.

Celebrating with family with the tradition of the lei

Nina and Chip presented traditional Hawaiian lei to their family and children.
A lei is a common symbol of love, friendship, celebration, honor, or greeting. In other words, it is a symbol of Aloha.

Chip and Nina's Rockstar Vendors

Photographer and Videographer - Harold Alvea
Restaurant- Tommy Bahama Restaurant
Emergency shoes (!)- Ross Discount Store

February 6, 2019

Bridechilla Blog Guest Post

What happens to Weddings When women Stop Saying Yes?

by Aleisha January 24, 2019

written by Aleisha

On episode 356 of the Bridechilla Podcast I was joined by Honey Dew founder's Michelle and Lucy. In this blog they continue the conversation of finding balance when wedding planning and work (and life in general!).
We work on weddings every single day. As founders of a startup that wants to do all the grunt work of wedding planning, this makes sense. After talking to hundreds of couples, we realized with great horror that those that are wedding planning are working on their wedding every single day too. With full time jobs.

Listen to episode 356 Of Bridechilla

The wedding industry just assumes couples will say yes

Hey, I can’t give you the price of the venue over email — can you call me at 3pm?

Hey, could you tell me your budget before I tell you how much these flowers will cost?

Hey, we can’t give you a quote for how much our catering package costs, because it differs for each couple. Will you set up an appointment to discuss more?

These are questions that the wedding industry assumes couples will say yes to. And honestly, the assumption is valid — couples don’t have the expertise or option to say no, because the next wedding vendor will request the same. The industry doesn’t care if both people have a full time job, don’t have time at work to slip away for a vendor phone call, and don’t have an exact itemized list of what flowers or entrees they want. Somehow, in this $70 billion industry where couples spend on average $35,000 on a wedding, they are at the mercy of the wedding vendors who won’t pick up the phone or post prices on their website.

Photo by Edward Cisneros

Without information transparency, couples can’t say no

The Internet allows price comparisons between a pillow on Amazon.com and a pillow on Walmart.com. Uber tells me my trip will cost $11.80 so I can decide to ride Lyft to my music class instead. Now: imagine if you had to email Uber for a price before booking your ride. Imagine if you had to call Amazon about their memory foam pillow to ask whether it was in stock. It’s laughable, right?

Yet, lack of information transparency, especially around price and availability, is the single biggest driver of time wasted and stress when wedding planning. No wedding solution today actually solves this because their revenue comes from wedding vendors (sponsored ads and memberships). Wedding vendors get fewer leads when their prices are readily available online. This makes them less happy.

Who’s championing for the couples’ happiness, then?

The email inbox of a couple caught up in wedding planning

What happens when couples stop saying yes?

One night, we were fuming about the numerous mediocre wedding vendor websites out there, and we had a Eureka moment. What if we systematically retrieved vendor information, and made it transparent? What if couples stopped the hours of research and correspondence they were doing and let us call and email wedding vendors for them? What if we became the buffer between the wedding vendors and the couple, so that couples could STOP reading through 17 page wedding packets for each vendor they talked to, and just…let us screen vendors for them?

What if we did it online, low-touch, and didn’t charge them $10,000 (like a wedding planner) for it?

We grew confident that once couples got a taste of this freedom and control, they’d come to demand it as a baseline, table stakes experience from every wedding company.

We decided to start Honeydew.

Photo by Alvin Mahmudov

Honeydew is the personal assistant and personal champion for your wedding

Imagine a human powered search engine that personalizes exactly to your preferences and constraints and presents you vetted options with decision-critical information. Ok maybe that’s hard to imagine.

Instead, imagine clicking a button and instantaneously feeling confident enough to book a wedding vendor. Imagine your whole wedding planned like this.

Now try us out! We’re live, and we’d love to talk to you!

Show image by Sarah Diniz Outeiro

January 24, 2019

Bridechilla Blog Bridechilla Podcast

Episode 356-Finding Work Wedding Balance

by Aleisha January 21, 2019

written by Aleisha

Guests Michelle and Lucy from Honey Dew are here to help you find a better work/life/wedding balance. Last year they quit their day jobs to launch their business with the aim to help couples ditch the hard slog of wedding research and get them to be the middle ladies in the vendor/client relationship.
They have become the buffer between wedding vendors couples, so that couples can STOP reading through 17 page wedding packets for each vendor they talked to, and just…let Michelle and Lucy screen vendors for them!

Listen to Episode 356 of The Bridechilla Podcast

Finding a Work-Wedding Balance with Lucy and Michelle from Honeydew

Since you can’t just press pause on 6 months of life and work, it is important to find a work-wedding balance when planning your wedding. When you have a full-time job and a life full of responsibilities and activities, it’s difficult to find the time to invest in planning your wedding. On today’s Bridechilla podcast, guests Michelle and Lucy from Honeydew, an online wedding planning service, share how they are helping take the stress out of the wedding planning experience. Hear planning hacks, tips about how to deal with vendors, and how Honeydew can help you.

"A lot of times women become default planners throughout their lives. It’s a role we take on either by choice because willingly we want to or because sometimes we are the only ones left willing to carry that burden."

Who has time to plan a wedding?

Michelle and Lucy say that it takes 300+ hours to plan a wedding. You have to screen vendors, pick out flowers, book a venue, plan a menu, find a dress and select outfits for the wedding party. And on top of all that, you have to balance the demands of daily life. Wouldn’t it be great to have a personal assistant who could help you with the planning? That’s exactly why Michelle and Lucy started Honeydew. They developed a tech savvy solution that is the go-between for couples and their wedding vendors. Hear more about how they started the company and the value they are bring to Bridechillas everywhere on this week’s podcast.

How to get creative in your wedding planning

Many times, brides find that the only option to help them plan their wedding is using a traditional wedding planner. Wedding planners know vendors and venues and can help ease the burden of planning. However, sometimes traditional wedding planners can become barriers to creativity. It is becoming increasingly more common to create a unique wedding experience. Sometimes the traditional wedding photographer or florists can’t accomplish what the couple wants. How can you get past the traditional mindset to create a personalized wedding? Listen as Michelle and Lucy share tips for getting past the creative barriers while planning your wedding.

“No one is going to do a bad job because they resent you for negotiating. Everyone is going to want to do an amazing job so that you refer them to your friends and talk highly of them.”

Photo by Emma Matthews

Tips for staying on budget

As we’ve talked about many times on the bridechilla podcast, it is so important to have a budget for your wedding. Whether it’s a shoestring budget or tens of thousands of dollars, knowing your budget will help you prioritize as you plan. Michelle and Lucy stress that you can leverage your budget when dealing with vendors. Knowing your budget gives you negotiating power. And don’t be afraid of hurting a vendors feelings or making them mad. Vendors have markups and can often give discounts in a variety of ways. The key is to always be polite and direct with your desires. Listen to the podcast to hear more tips on negotiating and dealing with vendors from Michelle and Lucy.

Helping Chillas find a work-wedding balance

Lucy and Michelle started Honeydew because they understood the stress and demands that Bridechillas face. They deal with a lot of high power women who have stressful and time consuming jobs. Add planning a wedding to that lifestyle and it’s a much more difficult challenge. No matter what your job or life circumstance may be, trying to find a work-wedding balance is difficult. Honeydew was created to help ease that burden and help brides and couples be able to fulfill their daily obligations and even find joy in planning their wedding. Hear all about Honeydew and much more on the Bridechilla podcast.

Photo by rawpixel

Listen to Episode 356 of the Bridechilla Podcast

Meet This Episode’s Guest

After watching their sisters and friends stress about the details of wedding planning, Lucy and Michelle decided to take action. Using their experience in technology and business at Amazon and McKinsey, they created a solution to make the wedding planning process simpler and more affordable. They co-founded Honeydew, a business dedicated to helping couples plan their weddings by reducing the stress of dealing with vendors. Honeydew serves as a personal assistant for the wedding planning process.

*If US Chillas head to Honeydew and click “Plan for Me” and mention "Bridechilla" or use referral code "CHILLA" they'll get a 10% discount!

With thanks to our Bridechilla Partners

Show image by Brooke Cagle

January 21, 2019

Bridechilla Blog Guest Post

How to not be perfect and still be brilliant!

by Aleisha January 10, 2019

written by Aleisha

On episode 354 of the Bridechilla podcast, guest Dr. David Purves shares tools and takeaways to overcome and avoid perfectionism. In this blog Dr Purves gives us 8 ways to ditch the quest for perfectionism, which is an enemy to be defeated in wedding planning and in life!

Listen to the episode

It's a common myth that high standard are always a good thing. Virtually every psychological problem has within it the seeds of ultra high personal standards. If you're reading this you may be tempted to say 'Are you saying it's better to have NO standards, I couldn't do that'. And in this imaginary interchange the problem is revealed. Ultra high standards are held by perfectionists. It is a variation on a black and white thinking style. You know the kind of thing; it's fantastic or it's useless. It's perfect or it's a failure.

Perfectionists set themselves very high personal standards and then they judge their performance against those standards. If they fail to meet them (which they often do because they are so high) they are very self critical, and may feel that everything they have worked for is at risk and even that they are failing.

Alternatively if they do meet their standards they think they have set them too low and that's why they succeeded.

Photo by Brooke Cagle

So what can we do about this pervasive and frankly unhelpful process?

Well, I have made a list of good standby strategies you can use to off-set the debilitating need to be perfect. Spoiler alert...no one is perfect and nothing is perfect. So the whole attempt to be 'perfect' is doomed. But you can still be brilliant.

1.There is nothing wrong with you, you are fine just as you are.

Your high standards may seem quirky and helpful and 'just how you are' but they going to bite you in the bum at some point so you may was well take control of them now and enjoy your life journey instead being self critical.

2. You are probably depending too much on your own evaluation of how you are doing.

The problem is that you are heavily biased in favor of what you have always done. You may not even see the process of perfectionism in action. So ask a trusted friend to calibrate what you think against what they think. Two heads are better than one and just the act of opening up your perfectionist tenancies to the wider world can have a refreshing and releasing effect on you.

3. Stress often makes you fall back on tried and tested methods of problem solving even if they are useless!

When you get stressed you will apply your perfectionist tool kit even harder. You will work harder, raise your already high standards and criticize yourself even more.

4. If you wouldn't say it to another person don't think it of yourself.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

5. Practice keeping a diary of the critical things you say to yourself.

It can be put in a worksheet that has these headings:- (1) Triggering events, (2) Self critical thoughts and (3) Associated feelings. Being able to see your critical thoughts written down has a powerful balancing effect.

6. Develop a compassionate voice you can use to challenge your harsh critical voice.

Imagine the voice of a close friend who loves and cares for you. They understand what you struggle with and how much you care about things. But they also speak from a place of love and compassion. Give this voice a name an use it to speak to yourself about how you are doing. Especially when you are feeling overwhelmed. The change of voice tone is a powerful intervention to help you remain balanced and feeling in control.

7. Learn to forgive yourself for being human.

You would forgive other people for their mistakes so give yourself the same leeway you afford others.

8. Challenge your faulty thinking styles.

These are conclusion jumping (jumping to conclusions without adequate evidence; perfectionism being an example of that). Crystal gazing (imagining your know something you could not possibly know) and Talking down (talking yourself, others or the world down). If you want a free copy of my e-book on faulty thinking please click here.

Header image by Candice Picard

January 10, 2019

Bridechilla Blog Bridechilla Podcast

Episode 354- Overcoming Perfectionism with Dr. David Purves

by Aleisha January 7, 2019

written by Aleisha

One way Bridechillas can have a great wedding experience is by first overcoming perfectionism. Planning a wedding involves so many factors. There are family and friends to consider, vendors to deal with, and so many other plans, all while preparing to start a new life with your partner. With so many variables, there are bound to be things that don’t go as planned. Perfectionism is an enemy to be defeated in wedding planning and in life. On this episode of the Bridechilla podcast, guest Dr. David Purves share tools and takeaways to overcome and avoid perfectionism.

Listen to episode 354 of Bridechilla

Photo by Siddharth Bhogra

The Perils of Perfectionism

Dr. Purves says that perfectionism creates a false dichotomy. Perfectionists believe that the opposite of perfection is failure. Leaving no gray area causes problems in wedding planning and in everyday life. It can damage relationships, hinder productivity at work, and ultimately lead to depression. During this episode, Dr. David Purves describes the behaviors of perfectionists, discusses contriubtors that lead to perfectionistic tendencies, and offers practices for overcoming perfectionism.

“By retaining power and control, you can have more of the wedding you want.”

Photo by Leon Biss

Don’t Give Away Your Power and Control

Perfectionists almost always have a need to be in control. While planning a wedding, a perfectionist desires to control how vendors operate, how family members behave and every other aspect of the wedding. However, there are external factors that no one can control. Dr. David Purves says that you have all the power and control you need, but quite often you are giving it away to things that are irrelevant. Listen to the relationship between perfectionism and the need for control and the damage it can cause during this interview.

“Perfectionism is like a program running in the background causing things to happen.”

Methods to Overcoming Perfectionism

If you have identified yourself or your partner as a perfectionist, don’t worry, there is help. You can overcome perfectionism and regain balance in your life. As a psychologist, Dr. Purves has years of valuable experience and insight for how to stop expecting perfection and find more peace and joy in life. While it takes self-evaluation, work and accountability, change is possible. During this episode, Dr. Purves shares his wisdom and gives practical steps to help you move toward balance.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Being a perfectionist leads to the need for control. It also leads to worry and anxiety. Dr. Purves explains that worry is always based on events in the future. It is impossible to control the future. Rather than spend time worrying about the future, he suggests establishing what is true and practicing remembering it. Stay focused on the present and let the future take care of itself. Implementing the tips and practices given by Dr. Purves in this podcast episode will help you take the first step in overcoming perfectionism. It will also help you have a better wedding experience and a happier life.

Photo by Juan Camilo Navia

Listen to episode 354 of Bridechilla

Show Highlights

[0:25] Introduction of this episodes guest, Dr. David Purves
[1:12] How perfectionism creates the unnecessary pressure of avoiding failure
[4:40] The issue of control and how it relates to perfectionists
[8:27] To avoid the pressure for perfection while planning your wedding, stary by asking “what is controlling you.”
[11:09] What internal and external factors contribute to perfectionism in wedding planning
[13:40] How can you diagnose perfectionism before it gets out of hand?
[22:24] Methods of being more mindful and calm in dealing with the lead up to your wedding
[29:43} The importance of positive self-talk
[31:44} Dr. Purves explains the secret of maintaining all of the power and control
[36:21] Tips for how to deal with worry and anxiety during the final days of preparation before the wedding

Memorable Quotes

“You can’t be a perfectionist unless you are a control freak”
“Perfectionism is like a program running in the background causing things to happen.”
“You have all the power and control you need to achieve anything you want in your life.”
“It’s not acceptable to be negative. We don’t want to be particularly positive, we just want to be accurate.”

Episode Resources

Show image by Şahin Yeşilyaprak

January 7, 2019

Bridechilla Blog

4 Easy Ways to Improve Your Communication and Relationship

by Aleisha November 14, 2018

written by Aleisha

4 Easy Ways to Improve Your Communication and Relationship

by Kristen Rocco

The last thing you want to think about when you’re engaged is your marriage going south. Unfortunately, statistics around divorce are frightening with about half of all couples splitting up.

That’s a scary reality. And one that I know is faux pax to even discuss while you’re happily in love and planning the most special event to celebrate your love. But, as they say, knowledge is power and understanding what the four most toxic relationship killers are can help you circumvent them in your marriage.

These relationship killers are known as the four horsemen by Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute. He’s one of the most renown relationship experts in the world for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction. He has studied couples and conducted breakthrough research for over 40 years and says the relationship killers I’m point out today predict divorce 90% of the time.

Listen to the Bridechilla episode

Toxic Relationship Behavior #1: Criticism

Criticism is the expression of disapproval of someone based on their perceived faults or mistakes. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. Gottman defines criticism as a global attack on personality or character.

We can all think of a time when we felt criticized and hated how it made us feel…small, defensive, undermining our confidence are some emotions that come to mind. Even between two well meaning and loving partners, criticism can rear its ugly head. It takes emotional intelligence and practice to frame your complaint as it relates to the situation rather than target the person’s character.

Can you think of a time when these statements or variations of them were said to you or you said them:

“You’re so lazy you can’t even move to change the channel.”

“You always spend all of our money and we never get to take a vacation.”

“You never listen to me and that’s why we’re in this dilemma.”

“You’re just like your mother.”

Do you see how these statements aren’t just about a specific situation? They are attacks on someone’s character. They’re offensive to the person on the receiving end. They all have one thing in common and that’s the use of the word “you” at the beginning of the statement, which indicates blame right off the bat. Another common pitfall of criticism is the use of “always” and “never.”

Criticism ultimately erodes a relationship because it causes the person who’s being criticized to become emotionally distance. No one wants to open up to someone who puts them down.

Photo by Siddharth Bhogra

Toxic Relationship Behavior #2: Contempt

Dr. Gottman calls contempt “the kiss of death” and notes it’s the worst of the four relationship killers. It’s especially toxic because one partner sees him/herself as more superior and as a result is less likely to be empathetic toward his/her partner.

Dr. Gottman’s blog says, “Contempt isn’t ‘I hate you.’ It’s something much worse. Something insidious and gross. Contempt is ‘I’m better than you.’ If betrayal is a question of trust, contempt is a question of respect. Contempt says, ‘I don’t respect you. In fact, I’m going to actively disrespect you.’”

If that doesn’t sum up why contempt is so destructive, I don’t know what does.

Contempt is displayed in behaviors like making insults and name-calling, hostile humor that mimics someone else, statements that establish superiority and nonverbal signs like eye rolls, snarled lips and a sarcastic tone.

“You’re still on the couch, how pathetic are you?”

“I’ll handle the lease negotiations since I have the business degree.”

“She can’t remember anything; she has sticky notes everywhere.”

“You would forget your name if it weren’t on your driver’s license.”

These statements demean and disrespect the targeted person. This is poisonous to any relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority and if it’s not turned around quickly, it will lead to an extremely unhealthy relationship with negative outcomes.

Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes

Topic Relationship Behavior #3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack.

You may be tempted to see defensiveness as an acceptable reaction to criticism and you think, “well of course I have to stand up for myself.” The problem is that defensiveness also comes into play in response to a complaint, which isn’t harmful to a relationship. Defensiveness has a negative impact on your relationship because it’s perceived by the other person as blaming them rather than accepting responsibility for your part of the conflict.

Dr. Gottman says defensive behavior is really about saving face, not making the other person feel better. Take this scenario for example:

Complaint: Did you pay the bills that were due today?

Defensiveness: You know how much I have on my plate, why didn’t you pay them to help me out?

The defensive partner is blaming her partner instead of accepting responsibility for breaking a previously-made arrangement. The problem is not resolved; rather it’s only escalated paving the way for other relationship killers to take course. When this is a partner’s way of approaching conflict, they are threatening their relationship, possibly beyond repair.

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Topic Relationship Behavior #4: Stonewalling

Perpetual conflict is a form of conflict that doesn’t have a clear cut answer. It happens around fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. This type of conflict is the hardest to resolve and unfortunately, it represents 69% of all conflict.

Stonewalling is a common response to this type of conflict. It’s defined as self protection in the form of delaying or blocking your partner by refusing to answer questions or by giving evasive replies.

It’s plain and simply a refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. You can see this coming from a mile away when you hear phrases like these:

“Get out of my face…”

“That’s enough…”

“Just leave me alone…”

“Do whatever you want…”

“End of conversation…”

It’s ok for someone to need some time to collect their thoughts and come back to the conversation. This isn’t stonewalling. Stonewalling is a blatant disregard for the issue. Usually, the stonewalling partner becomes so overwhelmed that they feel a heightened psychological response and it’s too overwhelming to engage in the conflict so instead they disregard it and leave, either mentally or physically, the situation altogether.

You may be thinking, “holy crap, these relationship killers can really mess up my relationship, what can I do about it?” The good news is that you have already taken the first step of becoming aware of them. There’s always more research you can do. The Gotten Institute website has plenty of great resources for you on their website, particularly the blog.

I have also created The Marriage Mindset Masterclass which gives you the relationship tips, tools and strategies to build the crazy wonderful partnership you have always dreamed of.

I know this subject isn’t what you what to be thinking about during this happy time but practice makes perfect and nailing down these techniques will help you build your marriage muscle for a happy and healthy relationship that lasts a lifetime.

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November 14, 2018

Bridechilla Podcast

341-Navigating Family Drama at Your Wedding Princess Eugenie Style!

by Aleisha October 8, 2018

written by Aleisha

In this episode of Bridechilla, Meghan Elyl from OFD Consulting, joins the Bridechilla podcast to discuss navigating family drama. Meghan has connected Bridechilla with many of the past guests and is always a pleasure to have on the podcast. During this conversation, Meghan helps to analyze the upcoming royal wedding. She also highlights some wedding-planning lessons that can be learned from the Royal Family.

Listen to the episode

The Royal Wedding that no one is excited about

There was a lot of media hype and buzz around Prince Harry and Meghan Markel’s wedding. It was a lovely event that didn’t disappoint. Now, there is another Royal Wedding coming up that seems to be a little more under the radar. Princess Eugenie of York who is he is the younger daughter of Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and Sarah, Duchess of York is marrying Jack Brooksbank. Eugenie is ninth in line of succession to the British throne, after her elder sister, Princess Beatrice of York. On this episode, Meghan and Aleisha discuss the peculiar details that surround this wedding.

Princess Eugenie via Instagram

How family drama can create wedding challenges

One of the background stories that makes the upcoming wedding unique involves Princess Eugenie’s parents. Prince Andrew and Fergie are technically divorced, which makes for some weird situations when it comes to the royal weddings. Prince Philip won’t even be in the same room as Fergie. Since Princess Eugenie is Fergie's daughter, and Fergie will definitely be at the wedding, the question remains will Philip attend? How will the royal family drama play out for this wedding?

If you pay, do you get a say?

The royal family are the ultimate wedding donors. They finance elaborate and beautiful weddings. They are also managing and maintaining their royal legacy. The question remains, do wedding donors, who invest so much money into the event, deserve to have a final say in what happens in the wedding. Meghan Ely stresses that It is important for couples to find a balance and focus on communicating so that expectations are clear before those critical decisions are made. Hear more of her advice on this episode of Bridechilla.

Aleisha and her 'Fergie Mug' gifted to her by Meghan

How to transform your wedding venue

Booking a popular venue could put a couple at risk for comparison. What if one of their friends has used that same venue. Or what if there are only one or two places in town that are suitable to use? Meghan Ely encourages couples to be true to themselves and make the wedding what they want it to be. Utilizing decorations and technology can help you transform a space, giving it a personalized feel that will mitigate those pesky comparisons.

Show Highlights

[0:42] Introduction of Meghan Ely, owner of CFD consulting
[1:14] Recap of the last royal wedding and preview of upcoming the next royal wedding
[3:36] Parental involvement, divorce, mixing families and the repeating of venues
[5:13] Aleisha’s love for Fergie
[8:44] England’s bump watch for Meghan Markle and death wash for Prince Phillip
[11:58] Wedding donors and family relationships that make wedding decisions difficult
[15:22] What will Fergie wear to the wedding?
[18:05] How reusing a wedding venue can create challenges and how to deal with them
[25:43] Will Meghan Ely do another Royal Wedding party?
[27:21] Gary Janetti’s Instagram that is a great laugh about the Royal Family
[30:40] Some of the rogue royals and the crazy stories that accompany them

Episode Resources

Meet Meghan Ely

OFD Consulting owner, Meghan Ely, combines in-the-trenches event experience with a love of wedding PR to empower her clients to take their businesses to new heights. She is a WeddingWire Education Expert as well as a regular contributor to Wedding Planner Magazine, Wedding Business Magazine, Catersource and SpecialEvents.com.

Meghan represents clients globally and has earned them coverage with the New York Times, Entrepreneur, Brides, Bridal Guide, the Knot, Martha Stewart Weddings, the Travel Channel, HGTV, Brit & Co and Refinery 29, among others.

Meghan has served on the national board of WIPA and is a long-time member of the NACE conference education committee. She is also an adjunct professor in the Mass Communication department at Virginia Commonwealth University, specializing in Public Relations.

Most recently, Special Events honored her as one of the top 25 young professionals in the event industry.

With thanks to Our Bridechilla Partners

October 8, 2018

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